- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
- She’s from the shallow end of the gene pool.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
- A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Nearly as bright as a one celled organism.
- Donated his body to scientists… Before he was done using it.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
- He’s so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, she’d get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
- If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she just gargled.
- Takes him 1.5 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Author: admin
Partner takes vacation
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Horny Guy on a Island.
One day there was this really horny guy who was stranded one
this Island. The only thing that was there with him was a pig
and a dog. Every time he went to go screw the pig the dog would
start biting him. This made it impossible to screw the pig.
The next day a incredibly hot chick also managed to get stranded
on the island. She was very sick when she came, so the horny guy
helped out. After she was feeling better she went to the horny
guy and said “you’ve saved my life I will do anything for you.”
So the horny turns to her and asks, “Will you take the dog for a
walk?”
Cat and rabbit
What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?
A pussy hare.
Baby in the cab
A man come into the ER yelling, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!”
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady’s dress,
and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it’s obvious that he’s in the wrong one.
The Top 14 Signs Your Cat Has “Mad Cat Disease”
14> By sharpening his claws on the chair leg, he’s carved a pretty good likeness of Joaquin Phoenix.
13> Recent hairballs include alarmingly large chunks of postman.
12> “I’m not Fluffy anymore; call me Muhammad al Fluf-Rahim.”
11> Catches mice, only to keep them as pets.
10> Starts sending you parts of the dog through the mail.
9> Created a bunker in his litter box.
8> Stacks his hairballs into the shape of Devil’s Tower, Wyoming.
7> Has bet it all on the Cubs winning the series this year.
6> That slight “off” smell before it hits the wok.
5> Can’t stop purring “Helter Skelter.”
4> Now kills mice by sending them through your wood chipper.
3> While cleaning the litter box, you find the bodies of several drifters.
2> Goes on long rants about how the country is really controlled by Jewish dogs.
1> He just coughed up a brainball.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Q: How many senior
Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
Viagra for Gramps
This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m
going to get a tetanus shot.”
Texas Heat
You know that you are in Texas when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive
your car.
You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am before
work.
No one would dream of not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is: ‘What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?’
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying hardboiled eggs.
Cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.
A sad Texan prayed once: ‘I wish it would rain – not so much for
me, cuz I’ve seen it, but for my 7-year-old.’
yo mama is so fat her belt size was the equater…
yo mama is so fat her belt size was the equater
Pierced ears for pirates
How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
A Buccaneer!
Figouee Tribe
Have you herd of the Figouee Tribe?
They are about four foot people and they live in about 6 feet high grass and they jump up and down all day saying:
Where the Figouee?Where the Figouee?