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The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant.
“I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven’t an enemy in the world,” said the aged one.
“That is a beautiful thought,” said the clergyman approvingly.
“Yes sir,” was the answer. “I’m thankful to say that I’ve outlived them all!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Have you ever wondered why Bill Clinton’s penis is bent?
Clinton’s penis is not bent, it’s straight. It just looks bent, because the rest of him is so crooked.
Angustiado, un anciano acude al m�dico:
“Doctor, f�jese que mi pene ya no funciona ni con Viagra. �Qu� me recomienda?”
“Mire, ahora hay una operaci�n muy buena para eso”.
“Ah, s�, doctor �y cu�l es esa operaci�n?”
“En el argot m�dico se conoce como la operaci�n jarocha: le cortamos el pene y le ponemos panocha”.
Even if you hate seafood you can go on a seafood diet….. so whenever you see food you eat it!!
Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.
An explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.
Realizing the gravity of his situation, he mutters, �Oh, God, I�m screwed.�
Suddenly, the sky darkens and a voice booms, �No, you are not screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.�
So the explorer grabs the stone and bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the limp body and panting with exhaustion, the man looks out defiantly at the troop of cannibals, who are now yabbering furiously among themselves and sharpening their spears menacingly.
Then the voice from heaven booms again, �There . . . now you�re screwed.�
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
After a very successful career, a former Human Relations guru found herself at the pearly gates.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you, so what we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
With that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and went down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with – and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up, kissed her and talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night went to the country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was
actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her and asked her to choose.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday, we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman 3) Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean 4) Career Opportunities for History Majors 5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II 6) Detroit – A Travel Guide 7) Different Ways to Spell “Bob” 8) Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches 9) Easy UNIX 10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance 11) Everything Men Know About Women 12) French Hospitality 13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years 14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 15) Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette 17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 18) Popular Lawyers 19) Staple Your Way to Success 20) The Amish Phone Book
If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let’s you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
If The NeXT Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?… They made good toasters in the ’70s, didn’t they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters… Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters… Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of yourauthentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters… They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.
If Wang made toasters Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?The answer is below, but think about it first…?????????????????????????????????Answer: Don’t look down.
Estaba una muchacha en una fiesta y se le acerca un mesero a ofrecerle m�s whisky:
“Madame, �gusta otra copa de whisky?”
“No, gracias, me hace da�o para las piernas”.
“�Se le entumen?”
“�No, se me abren!”
u might be a redneck if u have ever compared the size of your wiener with your dogs.
u might be a redneck if you have a cobard full of sauce packets form fast food restaurants.
u might be a redneck if u are married to your cousin and didnt know it.
you might be a redneck if u got your computer at a yard sale.
you might be a redneck if u hold your beer between your legs while driving.
you might be a redneck if u are still being breast fed.
you might be a redneck if u have a singing frog in every room.
you might be a redneck if when u kill a deer u say “whew i never fought that hard before.”
you might be a redneck if u have a dish washer and still wash dishes in your sink.
you might be a redneck if your front door is card board.
you might be a redneck if u go to las vegas with a grand and come back with nothing.
you might be a redneck if you 30 and still living in your parents basement.
you might be a redneck if you are changing a electrical wire and you say “stand back and watch the sparks fly.”
you might be a redneck if your family car is your tractor.