Your moms so old I told her to act her age and she died.
Author: admin
The dumb blonde and her used car!
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
Un tipo va visitar a
Un tipo va visitar a un amigo y al llegar encuentra una multitud de gente en la casa.
“� Qu� pasa, Gregorio?”
“Muri� mi suegra”.
“�C�mo fue?”
“Tengo un perro Pitbull Terrier, y en un descuido se le lanz� a mi suegra a la garganta y la degoll�. Muri� al instante”.
“�Qu� pena! Oye, �y tu suegra ten�a tantos admiradores que la casa est� llena de hombres?”
“�No, son vecinos que se enteraron de lo que pas� y vienen a comprarme el perro!”
Big chess tournament
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn’t take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, “I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
You have so many dogs in yo family
You have so many dogs in your family i don`t
know which ones your mum!!!
Dog in Heat
Little Johnny wanted to walk his dog. So he goes to his mom and
asked, “Mom? Can I take the dog for a walk?” His mom replies,
“No son, you can’t.” “Why not?” Little Johnny inquired. “Because
son, she is in heat,” she explained. “What does that mean?” he
asked. Exasperated, and not wanting to reply she said, “Go and
ask your father.”
So he does and he asked his dad, “Dad? Can I take the dog for a
walk?” His father said, “No son, you can’t.” “Why not?” “Because
she is in heat,” the dad explains. “What’s that?” Not wanting to
explain, the father rubbed some gasoline on the dog’s rear end
and said, “Here go ahead and take her for a walk.”
So little Johnny took the dog out for a welk. Ten minutes later
he came home without the dog! The father asked, “Where is the
dog?” Little Johnny replied, “She ran out of gas a while back.
Now another dog is pushing her home.”
Fly fisherman do it with longer rods….
Fly fisherman do it with longer rods.
Voodoo Dick
This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says: “Doctor, I just can’t have an orgasm.”
“Do you masturbate?”, he says.
“No luck”. is the reply.
“How about cunnilingus?”
“Nope”
“Kick-start vibrator?”
“Wakes up the neighbors, but not me.” she complains.
“Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here.” the doctor says as he walks into the next room. He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
“What is it”,she gasps.
“It’s a VOODOO DICK,” he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.
“It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK, hand!” he commands. The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.
“Ooooh”, she sighs. “VOODOO DICK, case.” The dick returns in a shot to its case.
“You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power.”
“Certainly, of course, anything you say,” she sputters as the wetness in her mouth matches the wetness in her panties. So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she can’t wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
“VOODOO DICK, hand!” she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.
“VOODOO DICK, pussy!” she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.
“VOODOO DICK, fuck me.” It begins to thrust in and out.
“VOODOO DICK, faster!” It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.
“VOODOO DICK, harder!” It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.
“VOODOO DICK, stop.” BUT IT WON’T STOP !!!!!!
“VOODOO DICK, stop now!”, she yells. It continues its relentless assault.
“Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts” It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in. She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.
The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. “You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing- gotta go” she yells.
“Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?”
“You don’t under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me.” she sputters.
“A WHAT?”, the cop yells?
“A magic VOODOO DICK. It’s after me!” she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, “VOODOO DICK, my ass!”
Top 22 Signs You’ve Had Too Much of the 90’s
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to you bookmarks19. You have a ”to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist any more11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits10. You get all excited when it’s Saturday and you can wear sweats to work 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week 6. You think that ”progressing an action plan” and ”calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors 4. You ask your friends to ”think out of the box” when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a ”half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person
An Egyptian man is walking…
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
“No, not worth it!”
“OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?”
“No, not worth it!”
“OK, 20?”
“No, not worth it!”
“How about 10?”
“No, not worth it!”
“Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?”
“Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”
T-Shirt Slogans 2001
T-Shirt Slogans
1. “Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam.” (Seen on Cape Cod)
2. “That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” (Seen on an 8 year old)
3. “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up”
4. “Procrastinate Now.”
5. “Rehab Is for Quitters.”
6. “My Dog Can Lick Anyone.”
7. “I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With
That?”
8. “Party – My Crib – Two A.M.” (On a baby-size shirt)
9. “Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I’ve Been
Doing Since 15.”
10. “ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.”
11. “West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.”
12. “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software.”
13. “I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN.”
14. “A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
15. “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.”
16. “STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
17. “DISCOURAGE INBREEDING – Ban Country Music.”
18. “MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.”
19. “They call it ‘PMS’ because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already
taken.”
20. “He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.”
21. “Time’s fun when you’re having flies…Kermit the Frog.”
22. “POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN…. Cops have nothing to go
on.”
23. “FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.”
24. “HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH.”
25. “A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
thousand times the memory.”
26. “The Meek shall inherit the earth…. after we’re through
with it.”
27. “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
28. “HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime
ommitment for a pig.”
29. “WELCOME TO KENTUCKY – Set your watch back 20 years.”
30. “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
31. “IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?”
32. “Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!”
33. “The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson.”
34. “MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.”
35. “Computer programmers don’t byte, they nibble a bit.”
36. “Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.”
37. “MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup
team.”
38. “Nyquil – The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.”
39. “Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”
40. “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God, and I didn’t.”
Redneck computer term
Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.