Things you don’t want to hear during surgery

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that….uh….that uh….thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops!

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again…

Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration off..

What’s this doing here?

I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.

That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Ski accident

One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.

No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

“So how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

It was the damdest thing you ever saw, he said, I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes.

There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees.

I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So how’d you break your arm?”

Unos reci�n casados llegan al

Unos reci�n casados llegan al hotel y entran rom�nticamente al cuarto, ella en los brazos del novio.

El la deposita suavemente en la cama y lentamante le quita la ropa, el sost�n y la tanga brasile�a, y el novio le habla con un tono apasionado:

“!Ahora s�, te la voy a meter por donde nunca!”

Y la novia contesta asustada:

“�Por los ojos no, por los ojos no!”

The Blonde at a Bar

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.

If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.

“I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.” And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think Im the smartest person in this bar.” And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think…” POOF! She disappears.