public transport are putting fairs up ie: tube fairs are going up an arm and a leg and london bus fairs are going thru the roof!!
Author: admin
The Professor’s Brain
During one of a professer’s routine classes, he decided to raise
a controversial subject:
He stood in front of his class and said: “Can anyone hear God?
Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?” After a long pause,
the professor concluded: “Because none of you can hear, see, or
smell God, I conclude that there is no God.”
Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up.
“May I address the class directly?” he asked.
“Yes, you may,” the professor replied.
The student went to the front of the class and began: “Can
anyone hear the professor’s brain? Can anyone see the
professor’s brain? Can anyone smell the professor’s brain?”
After a particularly uneasy and long pause, the student
finished: “Because none of you can hear, see, or smell the
professor’s brain, I conclude that the professor has no brain.”
Anything you say…
When Johnny got arrested, they told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.”
Johnny said, “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Nice guys finish last but
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
On sale now!
A man went into a store and began looking around.
He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.
He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
“How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Una dama de sociedad visita
Una dama de sociedad visita a su p�rroco un d�a y le comenta:
“Padre, estoy muy preocupada, resulta que tengo dos cotorras hembras que s�lo dicen: somos prostitutas �quieren divertirse?”
El sacerdote extra�ado del caso, le dice:
“Eso es muy obsceno, pero creo que tengo la soluci�n hija m�a. Yo tengo aqu� en la parroquia dos loros machos, a los cuales les he ense�ado a rezar y a leer la Biblia. Ellos est�n muy educados y hablan s�lo de Dios, y creo que si traes a tus cotorras y las juntamos con mis loros, ellas se salvar�n y te las llevar�s a tu casa educadas y refinadas. Mis loros podr�n ense�arle a tus cotorras como leer la Biblia y como rezar en las tardes”.
La se�ora sale ilusionada con la idea y a la media hora regresa con las dos cotorras a la iglesia.
El sacerdote la hace pasar y la lleva hasta la jaula donde se encuentran los dos loros que, en efecto, est�n rezando muy bajito. Impresionada, la se�ora le da las dos cotorras al cura, y �ste las mete en la jaula de los loros.
En cuanto las sueltan dentro de la jaula, las cotorras dicen:
“Hola, somos prostitutas, �quieren divertirse?”
Se hace un silencio abismal. Finalmente, un loro mira a cada lado y le dice al otro:
“Jos�, qu�tate el h�bito, nuestras plegarias al fin han sido escuchadas”.
The Wolf Man
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
Arkansas Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arky said to the doctor “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Father of beauty
There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
Defendant
Attorney: Are you the husband of the defendant? I mean of the plaintiff?
Witness: I’m the wife.
Attorney: You’re not working for the defendant, are you?
Witness: No sir.
Attorney: I mean, he hasn’t paid you off to come in here and lie for him, has
he?
Witness: No, sir. He doesn’t make that kind of money.
Bar jokes
a guy walkes in a bar a saies give the badest drank you have and show me the badest guy in this bar so the bar tender gives the man the drank and showes the guy the biggest badest man in the bar so the guy thakes the drank turns it up then then he bets the hell out of the other guy and walkes out the bar tender saies to him self this guy thinkes hes purtty bad so im going to brang my monke and show him whos bad sure enuff the guy comes bake and said the same thing he turns up the draink and the bar tender saies hes wating for you in the bathroom the guy goes bake their for 10 or 15 min the bar tenders hears stuff braking and shit the guy walkes out and saies tell that nigger when he wakes up his fure coat is in the tras can
Spell Checquer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.