Proctological exam

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s arse was that eye staring right back at him.

“You know, ” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

Cat Quotes

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats,for they are subtle and will pee on your computer.” –Bruce Graham”There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” –Unknown”Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” –Anonymous”Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” –Jeff Valdez”In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” –English proverb”As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” –Ellen Perry Berkeley”One cat just leads to another.”–Ernest Hemingway”Dogs come when they’re called;cats take a message and get back to you later.”–Mary Bly”People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” –Faith Resnick “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” –Joseph Wood Krutch”People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” –Faith Resnick”There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” –Anonymous”I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” –Hippolyte Taine”No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” –Unknown “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” –Albert Schweitzer”The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” –Ernest Menaul”Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.””Time spent with cats is never wasted.” –Colette”Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” –Missy Dizick “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” –Colonial American proverb”Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.”-Joseph Wood Krutch”I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.””My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.””Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.”

Fascinating

The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.”

Litte Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only “fasten 8.”