Author: admin

Garage door

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Noticing that her boss’s fly was open, an embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, “Your garage door is open.”

The bewildered executive didn’t know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.

The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, “Yesterday, when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top?”

“Oh, no,” she replied. “It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Get Me Out!

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There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

“Don’t leave me here to die alone here!” the old man said, when the day finally came.

“Now dad,” said the son, “we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I’ll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.”

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. “You’ve got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food’s terrible, and I’m so alone!”

“Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it’s really that bad, we’ll have to work something out.”

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man’s surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. “Son, this is one great place you’ve found for me! The food’s great, the company is excellent, and I’ve never been happier!”

“That’s great news, Dad, I hoped you’d come to like the place once you’d given it a chance.”

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, “Son, Son, you’ve got to get me out of this place! Right Now!”

“But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I’ve got to run over there and get you?”

“Son, you don’t understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!”

The virgin and the farmer boy.

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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
He says: “They’re making love.”

“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” She asked.
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.

“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked.
He says, “Those are his knots.”
She says, “Oh, OK, I got it.”

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were. “Suprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. “Whoa, what are you doing?!” he shouts.

The girl innocently replies,
“I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”

Race

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A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel. Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman. The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later. Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, “I don’t want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.”

Calling Technical Support

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Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk — we mean forgetful customer — and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) …

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)…

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.” Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway. …

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer? 2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff. …

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers. …

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be connected again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

Horse Shoe

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A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.In my day, grumbled Gramps, we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.But grandpa, replied the grandson, that is a whore’s shoe.

A Qwik Quiz

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WORLD’S EASIEST
QUIZ!

FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE “WHO WANTS TO BE A

MILLIONAIRE”

OR EVEN “THE WEAKEST LINK”…HERE’S THE WORLD’S

EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing

requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

5)

What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific

are named after what

animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

ANSWERS TO THE

QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country

makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep

and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The

Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what

animal? Dogs

7)

What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple

finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

WHAT

DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!!##!!!

So did I…….

If She’s Not Good Enough…

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Billy Joe and Emma Sue are a redneck couple, and one day they
decide to get hitched. So, both clans come out and do the
hillbilly wedding thing–shotguns, whiskey, the whole deal.

On the wedding night, Billy Joe takes Emma Sue out to his
father’s hunting cabin for their honeymoon. As he’s carrying her
over the threshold, Emma Sue leans over and whispers in his ear,
“Billy Joe, I’m a little nervous. You know, I ain’t never been
with a man before.” Billy Joe’s eyes bug out, and he drops Emma
Sue right on her ass. He shoots out the door and runs all the
way back to his family’s house.

After he opens the door, exhausted with the effort, his father
says to him, “Son, shouldn’t you and Emma Sue be makin’ the
marriage official right about now?” Billy Joe replies, “I’m
sorry, Paw, but I can’t marry that girl.” “Well, why not?” says
his dad. “She said she ain’t never been with a man afore.” At
this, Billy Joe’s father nods his head gravely and pats his son
on the shoulder, saying “Son, you done the right thing. If that
girl ain’t good enough for her family, she ain’t good enough for
ours!”

Elvis the Messiah

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Amazing Comparisons

Jesus said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)

Elvis said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords’s shepherd.

Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.

Elvis’ first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)

Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.

Elvis’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.

Elvis had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.

Jesus said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.”(John 7:37)

Elvis said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.

Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)

Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus’ many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)

Neil Matthews was one of Elvis’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

“[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.”(Matthew 28:3)

Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.

Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus’ life, had an Immaculate Conception.

Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis’ life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.

Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.

Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus’ Father is everywhere.

Elvis’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.

Elvis’ favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.

Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.

Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the “H” in “Jesus H. Christ” stood for.

No one was really sure if Elvis’ middle name was “Aron” or “Aaron”.

Jesus said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.”

Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.