Author: admin

Don’t believe everything you see

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A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The
morning following a bad storm, a new guy (homer) washes up on the shore. Homer
and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see
homer there.
“Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any
ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to
make a fire to cook supper. Homer yells down: “hey, no f******!”
They couple looks at each other and yells back: “we’re not f******!”

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again
homer yells down: “hooey, no f******!”
Again they yell back, “we’re not f******!”

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again homer yells down from high above: “hey, I said no f******!!”
“We said we’re not f******!!”

Finally the shift is over, homer climbs down from the tower, and the husband
starts to climb up. He�s only halfway up when the wife and homer are screwing
their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says: “son-of-a-gun.
From up here it does look like they’re f******.”

Too much bush

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The two major presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagree on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice-president Al Gore, his Democrat opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Scillyme

BUSH IMPRESSED BY GOLD URINAL

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Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a ‘get acquainted’ tour
of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked
President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to
see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told
his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
“Just think,” he said, “when I am President, I’ll have my own personal
gold urinal!” Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White
House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the
fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to
Bill and said, “Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.”

Pedro llega a la Ciudad

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Pedro llega a la Ciudad de M�xico, procedente de los Estados Unidos y se encuentra con Carlos, su compadre, y le comenta que en Estados Unidos se integr� al ej�rcito. Carlos le pregunta “�c�mo es all� el ejercito?”

El compadre le contesta: “En el ej�rcito de los Estados Unidos no te dejan m�s que dos opciones, o te mandan al frente o la retaguardia, si te mandan a la retaguardia no hay bronca pero si te mandan al frente no te dejan m�s que dos opciones, o te matan o te dejan vivo, si te dejan vivo no hay bronca pero si te matan no te dejan m�s que dos opciones,
o te queman o te entierran, si te entierran no hay bronca pero si te incineran no te dejan m�s que dos opciones, o te convierten en papel higienico o en papel peri�dico, si te convierten en papel periodico no hay bronca pero si te convierten en papel higienico no te dejan m�s que dos opciones, o te mandan al frente o a la retaguardia…”

Order in the Court – Part 1

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Is it my imagination or…do lawyers ask dumb questions?
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
where there was a victim?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. Uhh… just one: the victim lived.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?

Q. Now then, was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Deadly Vices

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

Swimming Contest

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A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, “I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms.”

Devil & the Golfer

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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,”You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am.
I’m the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo