Author: admin

A trav�s de Internet sale una invitaci�n para participar en el Congreso Mundial de Mineteros.

Un cibernauta prepara su ida y llega al hotel donde se realiza el congreso. En la recepci�n, la se�orita que recibe las inscripciones le pregunta su nombre:

“Iv�n Zuluaga”, contesta el tipo.

“�Su equipo?”, inquiere la recepcionista.

“�Cu�l equipo?”, pregunta sorprendido el fulano.

“S�, su equipo: el apoya ment�n, cepill�n, separador de labios, dosificador de saliva, calibrador de gallos, babero, reclinatorio, lubricador…”

El hombre se queda perplejo y la muchacha espeta:

“�Se�or, usted lo que es… es un simple lamecucas!”

The 2000 Darwin awards!(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

Un matrimonio termina de cenar y el marido le pide a la mujer:

“Anda, Mar�a, vete pa’ la cama que te har� el salto del tigre”.

La mujer, toda ilusionada, se va a la cama y se desviste. En eso, el esposo salta, desnudo, desde el armario y se da con todos los dientes en la mesita de noche y empieza a gritar:

“�Ah, ahh, ahhh!”

“Anda, Pepe, esta postura a m� no me gusta, que aqu� solo disfrutas t�”, le reclama la mujer.

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

First witch: I’m going to France tomorrow.

Second witch: Are you going by broom?

First witch: No, by hoovercraft.

What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?______________WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “uncertainty principle,” it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as “tunneling,” this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor’s domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a “gluing” force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are “rolled up” into such a small “area” that they cannot be detected.PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

Un caballero ten�a problemas para eyacular as� que decide ofrecer $50000 a la primer mujer que lo hiciese eyacular.

As� empezaron a llegar mujeres y a tener sexo, pero ninguna lograba que eyaculara. De repente aparece una mujer atleta, le agarra el pito y empieza a succionar y succionar (ya se imaginan, con esos pulmones, la fuerza de la succi�n).

De repente el caballero grita y hace gestos, la atleta piensa, “Ya vienen los pesos.” Pero el caballero le dice, “�Para, paraaaa, que la s�bana y el colch�n se me est�n viniendo por el culo!”