Cyanide Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: “Now there are two!”

Talking Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, “Look buddy, we can’t have any dogs sitting up at the bar.”

The owner retorts, “But this is no ordinary dog.” The bartendar doesn’t budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, “Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.”

The bartendar says, “Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don’t you and your talking dog leave the bar?”

The owner says, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.”

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, “Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?”
The dog says, “No problem”, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, “Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?”
To which the dog replies, “Because I have never had $20 before.”

Cat siren

a fireman was cleaning the fire engine one day when he noticed a little girl across the street. she was busy cleaning her little red wagon which was fixed to look like a fire engine, ladder and all. the fireman walked across the street to admire the wagon. as he came close he noticed the power source was a large dog with a rope around his neck. he also noticed a cat with a string tied around its balls. the fireman thought this strange, so he said to the little girl,” would not it be better to tie that string around the cats neck?”. the little girl replied, “well that would be stupid, because what would i use for a siren?”.

Baby Luv

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

“One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.”
Andrew, age 6

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”
Mae, age 9

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
John, age 9

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”
Anita C., age 8

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”
Brian, age 7

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.”
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.”
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

“Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.”
Arnold, age 10

“All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.”
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
Gavin, age 8

“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.”
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘Dinosaurs’ is on television.”
Jill, age 6

“Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.”
Floyd, age 9

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”
Dave, age 8

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.”
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

“Sensitivity don’t hurt.”
Robbie, age 8

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.”
Del, age 6

“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and don’t worry if their parents are right there.”
Manuel, age 8

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.”
Alonzo, age 9

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”
Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.”
Bobby, age 9

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food.”
Bart, age 9

“Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.”
Sarah, age 9

“See if the man has lipstick on his face.”
Sandra, age 7

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are… on fire.”
Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

“‘How Do I Love Thee When You’re Always Picking Your Nose?'”
Arnold, age 10

“‘You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'”
Larry, age 8

“‘I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'”
Eddie, age 6

“‘I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don’t Bother Me When I’m with My Friends.'”
Bob, age 9

“‘Hey, Baby, I Don’t like Girls but I’m Willing to Forget You Are One!'”
Will, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.”
Michelle, age 9

“Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.”
Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

“I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.”
Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

“You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.”
Julia, age 7

“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.”
Brian, age 7

“It might help to watch soap operas all day.”
Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you … That’s why I stopped doing it.”
Tammy, age 10

“If it’s your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission.”
Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.”
Dick, age 7

“Don’t forget your wife’s name … That will mess up the love.”
Erin, age 8

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”
Dave, age 8

“Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.”
Natalie, age 8

two blonde jokes

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane.
The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying
lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The
blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, “I’ll radio you
every 1000 feet you go in the air.” The blonde agreed.
He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and
asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000
feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she
was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the
propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When
she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He
asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before.
The blonde said, ”At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I
turned the big fan off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~

a blonde went to a store to by a new tv for herself. when she
got to the store she asked the clerk how much a tv costed. the
clerk said” im sorry we dont sell to blondes” the blonde feeling
a bit insulted walk away.

the next day the same blonde went ot the same store wairing a
burrnet wig. she asked the same clerk how much that same tv
costed. the clerk responded ” im sorry we dont sell to blondes”
the blonde feeling a bit angery left the store.

Again the blonde went to the store. this time she had a redhead
wig on. she askeed the smae clerk how much the tv costed. once
again the clerk answerd ” i am sorry we dont sell to blondes”
the blond feeling a bit frusterated left the store

the next day the blonde went to the store with a black haired
wig on. she ask the clerk how much the t.v costed. once again
the clerk said” im sorry we dont sell to blondes” the blonde was
very angery. she ask the clerk how could he tell she was a
blonde when she was wairing a wig.
the clerk said ” well first of all this is not a tv its a
microwave.

BAD BAD JOKE

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night. They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire “What can I getcha?” The 1st vampire says “I’ll have a beer, please” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender asks the 2nd vampire “What would you like?” The vampire replies “A beer please.” So, the bartender gets him a beer. The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire “Sir, what can I get you?” and the 3rd vampire replies “A cup of hot water please.” The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, “What are you gonna do with that hot water?” The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says “Hot tea, it’s chilly out!”

New Drugs

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society:

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents.”

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

The Top 15 Alternate Taglines for Anna Kournikova’s New Sports Bra

15> Losing Never Looked So Great!

14> Endorsed by the Entire Russian Olympic Hockey Team

13> Hey, Guys — Buy My Bra and I’ll Be Left Without One!

12> Love 38s!

11> Soon to Be Sold to Some Pudgy, Sweaty Pervert on eBay

10> Hold Up *Your* Sagging Career

9> A Lovely Case for the Only Trophies *You’ll* Ever Have to Show Off

8> As Close as You’re Ever Going to Get to My Rack, Dorkboy

7> Crap. If This Thing Works, I Got Nothin’ Left

6> Because Two Bouncers Might Show You the Door

5> Just Tell the Sales Clerk It’s for Your Girlfriend, You Little Perv

4> Support Can Be Sexy — Just Ask Your Boyfriend, Who’s Masturbating to My Catalogue Right Now

3> Available in Small, Medium and Serena

2> Anna 1, Anna 2…

1> Supporting the Troops on the Russian Front

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Here’s Little Johnny!…

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.

“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one….

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!”