Yo moma so poor she told your little borther that Santa was dead.
Author: admin
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Arkansas Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arky said to the doctor “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Una dama de sociedad visita
Una dama de sociedad visita a su p�rroco un d�a y le comenta:
“Padre, estoy muy preocupada, resulta que tengo dos cotorras hembras que s�lo dicen: somos prostitutas �quieren divertirse?”
El sacerdote extra�ado del caso, le dice:
“Eso es muy obsceno, pero creo que tengo la soluci�n hija m�a. Yo tengo aqu� en la parroquia dos loros machos, a los cuales les he ense�ado a rezar y a leer la Biblia. Ellos est�n muy educados y hablan s�lo de Dios, y creo que si traes a tus cotorras y las juntamos con mis loros, ellas se salvar�n y te las llevar�s a tu casa educadas y refinadas. Mis loros podr�n ense�arle a tus cotorras como leer la Biblia y como rezar en las tardes”.
La se�ora sale ilusionada con la idea y a la media hora regresa con las dos cotorras a la iglesia.
El sacerdote la hace pasar y la lleva hasta la jaula donde se encuentran los dos loros que, en efecto, est�n rezando muy bajito. Impresionada, la se�ora le da las dos cotorras al cura, y �ste las mete en la jaula de los loros.
En cuanto las sueltan dentro de la jaula, las cotorras dicen:
“Hola, somos prostitutas, �quieren divertirse?”
Se hace un silencio abismal. Finalmente, un loro mira a cada lado y le dice al otro:
“Jos�, qu�tate el h�bito, nuestras plegarias al fin han sido escuchadas”.
Marriage Ups and Downs
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby’s sex interest is down.
Fun At the Drive-Thru Window!
Attempt to take the order-takers order.
(“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e.,
“Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please”.
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.
Anything you say…
When Johnny got arrested, they told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.”
Johnny said, “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Innocent Man
A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick’s hiding in your wardrobe and
he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bonehead!” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
Kiss Me The Way You Used To
A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, “Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.” He did.
“Now kiss me the way you used to…”
“Now darling, bite me the way you used to.”
At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, “Where are you going dear?”
“To get my teeth, dear,” the husband replied.
Bill Gates In Purgatory
Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”
Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”
St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!”
“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”
“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.
Casino Player
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude.”
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, “Mama needs new clothes.” Then she yells, “YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.”
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll, anyway?”
The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching.”
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.
Reporter
Reporter from Ohio heard about a church in eastern Kentucky that people there
held rattle snakes as a profession of faith. So he decided to check it out. he
went the following Sunday to the church and took his seat in the back row. Just
then the pastor came out with the 6 foot long rattle snakes and they began to
pass them down the rows. He began to sweat profusely and asked where the door
was to one of the usher. he replied ” Sir didn’t they tell ya that you can’t get
out while the church service it going on?” that make him even worse then he
asked “well then where is that back door?” and the usher replied “there aren�t
one.” “THEN WHERE DO YOU WANT ONE!?” yelled the reporter.