Yours Fun Portal !
Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
1. Don’t take extra strokes.
What’s Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
– Paddy O’Furniture!
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ”Up nuts!”
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ”Down
nuts!” And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ”Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause
and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well; he decided to go get a beer and a hot
dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked
what happened.
The assistant replied, ”Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by
and yelled, ”PEANUTS!”
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they haven’t met!
My friend Dave needed to have his septic system cleaned out recently so he called up a local company and made an appointment to get this done. When the septic man arrived at the appointed time, Dave offered to help him.
The offer of help was refused. In fact, all such offers were now refused by the septic cleaner ever since one guy was standing by, helping out, when the hose started sucking up a bunch of condoms.
The home owner looked at the rubbers and ran into the house. It seems he didn’t use condoms.
Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we’ll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!”
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, “How long were you married?”
The guy replies, “24 years.”
St. Peter then asks, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The guy says, “Yes, about 10 times…but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”
The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive.”
The third guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive”
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”
If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Yo mamma so fat , she ordered a big mac at mcdonalds, and the manager said ‘you are already fat enough you have to get another man to eat it for you’
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak…”woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.” “That’s amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”? “No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago”!
Two african american kids (a boy and a girl) go out trick or treating and
stop at a lady’s house for candy.
Lady: Who are you two supposed to be?
Kids: Hansel and Gretel
Lady: You can’t be Hansel and Gretel, they’re white.
So the kids went home and changed and went back to the lady’s house.
Lady: Now who are you supposed to be?
Kids: Jack and Jill.
Lady: You can’t be Jack and Jill, they’re white.
Then the kids went home to change again but went back to the lady’s house
with nothing on this time.
Lady: What are you supposed to be this time?
Kids: Hershey bars, one with nuts and one without.
Llega un gangoso a una carnicer�a:
“Ghuenhos dhias.”
“Buen d�a se�or, �qu� se le ofrece?”
“Hun khilhlo dhe mahujhanho.”
“�Uh?”
“Unkhilho dhe mahujhanho.”
“No le entiendo se�or.”
“hun khilho dhe mahujhanho pha dharlhe ha hun pherhfhorhd.”
“Disculpe pero no le puedo vender nada si no le entiendo.”
“Se marcha el gangoso, pero el carnicero decide contratar a un gangoso para poder vender a ese tipo de gente. Regresa el gangoso a los dos d�as.”
“Ghuenhos dhias.”
“Buen d�a, perm�tame.”
“Le habla al colega.”
“Bhuenhos dhias.”
“�bhuenhos dhias!”
“Mhe dha hun khilhlo dhe mahujhano.”
“Mmm nho hay.”
“Ghazhias.” (se va)
“�Ah! �cabron!, �le entendiste?”
“Sghi.”
“�Y qu� quer�a?”
“�Hun khilho dhe mahujhanho!”
After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker’s compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. “How did you get the wooden leg?” asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, “Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg.” The agent replied, “That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?” “Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand,” said the pirate. “That’s also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?” asked the agent. The pirate replied, “Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!” “What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?” said the agent. “It were the first day with me hook!”