Weinberg’s Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Author: admin
Jesus
A burgler walked into a quiet little house at the end of a road.
He was stealing diamonds when he hears
“Jesus is watching you”
The guy freaks and turns around, seeing nothing he goes back to stealing diamonds.
And again he hears
“Jesus is watching you”
He turns around again and this time sees a parrot in a corner cage saying
“Jesus is watching you”
The guy gets all embarrassed about freaking out over a little parrot and says
“who do you think you are”
the bird replies
“Moses”
“What kind of idiot names their bird Moses”
“The same idiot who named their pitbull Jesus”
Operating systems as beers
Unix Beer — Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?…
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Disorder in the Court
From a little book called “Disorder in the Court.”
(Things people actually said – word for word – in courts of law)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your patrolcar’s red
and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Coded birth news
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the
offspring to arrive – at his in-laws’ place.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, “When
my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a
boy because I’ll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message
that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.”
The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it’s a daughter. The
father-in-law now thinks to himself, “If I tell him that the clock has not
arrived, he’ll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby
and come rushing over�.
So the father-in-law left the following message: “The clock has arrived, but
the pendulum is missing�.
dead snake
What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Q. How do you f*** a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
I Am a Bad American
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who
wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn
it!
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne,
Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do
it in English.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more
enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your
parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7
years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about
it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t
burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend
Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money? And why
is he always part of the problem and not the solution?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
you’re running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you
are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I
don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful
nation the world for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to
sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to
their cause. These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the
bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it
takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately
the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it
is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President
of the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD AMERICAN.
Juan y Mar�a, una pareja
Juan y Mar�a, una pareja de rancheros, se casaron. Al llegar al hotel, en su luna de miel, ella decide tomar un ba�o. Mientras Mar�a se ba�a, Juan la espera completamente desnudo. Cuando sale y ve a su esposo sin ropa se asusta much�simo. Meloso, Juan le llama:
“Ven, Mar�a”.
“Pos pa’ qu�, Juan”, contesta la mujer sin mirarlo.
Ven, Mar�a, ac�rcate”.
“No, pos pa’ qu�, Juan”.
“Ven, ven, pa’ que lo mires”.
T�midamente, Mar�a se acerca en silencio.
“Pos no ves, Mar�a, di algo”.
“�Pos qu� digo?”
“Pos di algo”.
“Bueno, pues, (agarrando el pene) saludos a mi ap�, a mi am� y a todos los del rancho”.
All generalizations are false, including
All generalizations are false, including this one.
A defendant
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his
lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would
prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks
for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”
Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if
you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.� replied the man.
“What?” shouted the lawyer?
“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose
the plaintiff’s business card.”