When Johnny got arrested, they told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.”
Johnny said, “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Author: admin
Eating with children.
Eating with Children
A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.
All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.
He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, “My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it!”
Fireman Sex
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our
jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on
the fire truck ready to go.
“From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I
want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all
night.” The next night he came home from work and yelled, “BELL 1!” The wife
promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled “BELL 2!”, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled “BELL 3!”,
they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!” “What the
hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband?
“ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,” she replied, “YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.”
Lawyers Grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
Tom is asked by his friend:…
Tom is asked by his friend:
Your wife, is she ATC?
he replies:
No, she is 85B
Stick shift
“Darling,” a husband whispered to his wife late one night, “if I died, would you get married again?”
“I suppose so,” she replied.
“Would you sleep in the same bed with him?”
“Well, it’s the only bed in the house, so I have no choice.”
“Would you make love to him?”
“Honey,” the woman said patiently, “he would be my husband.”
“Would you give him my car?”
“No,” she yawned, “He can’t drive a stick shift.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
The Professor’s Brain
During one of a professer’s routine classes, he decided to raise
a controversial subject:
He stood in front of his class and said: “Can anyone hear God?
Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?” After a long pause,
the professor concluded: “Because none of you can hear, see, or
smell God, I conclude that there is no God.”
Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up.
“May I address the class directly?” he asked.
“Yes, you may,” the professor replied.
The student went to the front of the class and began: “Can
anyone hear the professor’s brain? Can anyone see the
professor’s brain? Can anyone smell the professor’s brain?”
After a particularly uneasy and long pause, the student
finished: “Because none of you can hear, see, or smell the
professor’s brain, I conclude that the professor has no brain.”
Bill Gates In Purgatory
Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”
Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”
St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!”
“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”
“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.
Hear about the ninja that
Hear about the ninja that joined the army?…
.. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself…
High tech
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a
telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins
talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed
in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says, “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender
talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name
it.
By the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20
minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood,
the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy. The guy is
spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll
of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”
If a straight line fit is required, obtain…
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
Innocent Man
A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick’s hiding in your wardrobe and
he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bonehead!” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”