What sexual position makes an ugly baby?
Ask your mom!
Author: admin
Back seat driver
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
“Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Mental Health Patient
It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.
A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, “What are you laughing at?”
The other guy explained: “Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts… If you were to take one nut from each, you’ll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts.”
Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn’t help asking, “How come you’re so clever and you’re in a mental hospital?”
The patient replied, “I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid!”
Trouble Shooting?
One of Microsoft’s tech support reps was drafted and sent to
boot camp. at the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a
rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The
report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the
target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the
target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel
and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target
area: “It’s leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your
end!”
Leave leave leave the blondes
A blondes dad said go rake the leaves so she goes out and starts raken the leaves out of the tree
Nuns
Two nuns walk into a bar.
you would have thought the second one would have ducked!
(they walked into a metal bar!)
Short Essay Contest
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements:
– religion
– royalty
– sex
– mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”
A blonde ana cat
Why did the blonde lesbian buy a cat
she thought she could get some pussy
A penguin’s breakdown
A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kinds of trouble…the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there’s fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic tells him it’ll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is.The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.The mechanic looks up and tells him ‘Looks like you’ve blown a seal.’The penguin says ‘No! Really, I just had an ice cream cone!’
Un d�a, un tipo acude
Un d�a, un tipo acude a una notaria con la intenci�n de cambiarse el nombre.
“Buenas, se�or notario, vengo porque quiero cambiarme el nombre y deseo saber que papeles y requisitos son necesarios para ello”.
�Ver�, tr�igame su registro civil, la partida de bautismo, etc., pero antes cu�nteme, �usted c�mo se llama?”
“Pop� S�nchez”
“�Y c�mo se quiere llamar?”
“Pop� Gonz�lez”.
The Irish Genie
Far out at sea two irish men were stranded
on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.
“I will give you one wish”.the genie bellowed
Without thinking the second man yelled ” I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!”.
“You idiot”,yelled the first man,”Now we will have to pee in the boat”.
Prostitution
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”
Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!”
“A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”