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Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done.
In walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattoo on one breast.
One lady leaned over to the other and said, “She don’t know it, but in 50 years she’ll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
There was this blonde and she had just found out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her with her best friend and the rest of her school day wasnt going to well either so she says to her self “ugh my boyfriend just broke up with me, everything is going bad in my life and i have no reason to live i want to hang myself” so she goes home and finds a rope and she hangs herself from the porch well some guy walks by and sees her hanging off the porch by a rope and he asks her “what the hell are u doing?” and she tells him “ugh my boyfriend just broke up with me, everything is going bad in my life and i have no reason to live so im hanging my self” well he asks “why are u hanging from your waist arent u suppose to hang yourself from your throat” and the blonde says ” i tried that but i couldnt breathe!”
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn’t work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn’t follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, �Okay, we’ll give him one more try. We’ll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn’t fly, we’re taking him back to the store!�
The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking
for someone new to ring the bell.
Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door.
The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms.
The priest asks him, “How can you ring the bell?”
The man said, “Let me show you.”
So they went up to the top of the bell tower and the man started hitting the
bell with his head.
The bell starts to sway and the man misses, and then he goes flying through
the window.
Two more priests come running and ask, “What happened? Who was that?”
The second priest said, “I don’t know but that face sure rings a bell!”
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?” To which the man replied, “Get in line.”
Yo momma so ugly when we took her to a haunted house,she came out with a job application
What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money
Funniest One LinersDepression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI’m not cheap, but I am on special this weekI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI intend to live forever – so far, so goodI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made ofSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people haveThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
What’s the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Enter through one, exit through two, then enter through two, exit through one. This sequence usually happens at the beginning then at the end of the day.