You’re a redneck if …. You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.
Author: admin
Coach Wants A Raise
The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
Little Charlie
Two little boys are looking down at a cathouse. They sit there watching men go
in and see all the money beeing counted. They watch the men pour out with
smiling faces.
First boy-I wonders what makes those men smile.
Second boy-Well, lets count our money and go see what makes them smile.
First boy-We have fifty-cents all together.
Second boy-I’ll go and find out what they are smiling about while you stay
here.
The second boy goes into the cathouse and says to the head mistress,� I want
fifty cents worth of whatever is making all these men smile.” The woman takes
him into one of the rooms and she takes her clothes off. She starts coming
toward him and he runs out of the cathouse screaming.
First boy-What was it?
Second boy-I doesn�t know, but I sure as hell don’t want dollars worth of it.
The dieter’s church!
Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?
It’s called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus”!
Lots of Wit and Wisdom.
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was –
‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’
I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”
“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”
“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”
“I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.”
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.”
“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?”
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here!'”
Four Legs
What has four legs and smells like fish?
Clinton’s desk.
Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who’s standing there,
scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby’s head can be
beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen– unless he
were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming
ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at
the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and
rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who’s creating an
army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.
HUMOUR
HOW DID THE BABY GET RAPED !
IT SUCKED ON A DUMMY .
Stranded
One day this guy, who’s been stranded all alone on a deserted island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the surf.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Oh, that’s good!”
Then the woman asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink?”
Trembling, the man says, “Ten long years!”
The woman unzips her waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
The man takes a long swig and says, “Man, that’s sweet!”
The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh sweet mother of God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by BreeBrown
Hallelujah!
One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and stated, “Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord’s forgiveness.”
“Hallelujah!”, cried the congregation.
She continued, “Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord’s forgiveness.”
“Hallelujah!”, cried the congregation again.
“But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord,” she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, “That’s right momma, fuck ’em all.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Catfish and lawyers
Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a
fish.
POTENTIALLY
A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, “Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.”
His dad says, “Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.”
He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!”.
“OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.”
A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!’ also!”
His dad told him, “There you go.”
His son looked at him, puzzled. “Dad I still don’t understand.”
“Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.”