�And God created Adam and Eve�
On yet another day in Eden, God decided to take a casual stroll away from his more-or-less successful creations�he didn�t get very far before being interrupted once again by the individuals created �in his likeness��theoretically anyway. The stampede of footsteps behind him signaled the arrival of the two �perfect� creations.
�Father! Eve�s breaking one of the Commandments again!�
God wearily wondered whether there were any of the one thousand two hundred and sixty four Commandments that had not yet been broken by those two�perhaps the last one: �Thou shalt not, in thine own conceit, force others to hear tired, old jokes, over and over again.� However, Adam�s facial expression indicated a transgression of a far worse caliber.
�Father, tell Eve that you commanded us to walk around naked and unabashed! She�s not following the rules, she�s wearing UNDERWEAR!� Adam squealed.
�So? There�s nothing wrong with it! Besides, you should consider covering up that �ding-dong� of yours, all the apes make fun of you!� Eve retorted.
�I am superior to them in every aspect!�
God raised an incredulous eyebrow.
�Dad� Adam pressed, �Tell her you created me to be dominant in that aspect too!�
God considered this for a moment, thinking back to the creation of all his creatures. Finally, he responded,
�Well, I suppose I disregarded that tiny detail�I did give you a bigger brain though.�
�Brain? Who needs a brain? I need my �banana� to be this loooong!�
�Daddy, he just wants to be bigger than Joe Ape, hehehe�Once Joe showed him his �ding-dong� and Adam�s eyes bugged out in surprise, and envy�� Eve chimed in.
�Liar! I just got something in my eye!�
�And since then, he�s been trying to compensate for it by boasting to Joe �I got to shave first, and then I drank half a bottle of that water in Father�s cabinet and didn�t even feel tipsy when returning to the cave��
�Ah, so that�s where all my good Old Spice has been disappearing to�.� God mumbled to himself.
�Tattletale! Besides, how do you know what I talk to Joe about? You probably wear that underwear to impress him! Soon you�ll start wearing a BRA! You�re dressing like�like� like a slut!� Adam rebutted.
�Slut? There�s no such word! You just made it up! Besides, it wasn�t me trying to impress him by saying �I reproduced FIVE times last night!� You wish you could, you erotomaniac-wannabe. You�ve never gone more than three!�
God could feel his blood pressure rising, despite his doctor�s warnings about stress and hypertension�
�Erotomaniac? Now you made up a word! Besides, I just eat too much at dinner and my blood is redirected to improper places��
�Excuses, excuses. Wrong place here, wrong timing there�you could at least try to be more creative�� Eve continued.
God, heeding his doctor�s advice pulled out a vial and with a shaking hand placed a nitroglycerin pill under his tongue. He then sighed with relief, and with a few well-placed smacks on the butt effectively stopped the argument. He then prophesied, �I promise you, for the first two thousand years, all Eves will wear more and more progressively, then for the next two thousand they shall, in their vanity, gradually undress to impress all average Joe Apes, and so it shall continue until judgement day. And all Adams shall value not their brains, but their �ding-dongs� and compare their size with every Joe Ape��
-Thus far, the prophecy hasn�t failed yet�
Author: admin
Comeback
A smartass came to a boy and said, “Whats up son” So the boy
said back, “I wish you would have told me that you were my
father earlier because I’m getting head from my grandma.”
Mosad, CIA & Terrorism
Ariel Sheron fucked Laura Bush (wife of Bush junior), after 9 months
she gave birth to a baby. Bush turned angry when came to know and raised
a logical query who did this daring act. And asked for CIA to unfold the mystry as soon as possible.
Hardly an hour a news with title Laura Bush mystry revealed, published at
CNN & BBC websites …….
A website (ofcourse a muslim group) took the responsibility ..founded by Mosad & CIA.
The Welsh and sheep
Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
Wool.
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Clark Kent
You might be a Republican if…
You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
HOW TO TELL IF YOU WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM
1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm. 2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. 3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything. 4. You have the bladder capacity of five people. 5. You can identify the “positive teeth to tattoo” ratio. 6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change. 7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity. 8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac. 9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see. 10. You have your weekends off planned for a year. 11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin. 12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint. 13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore. 14. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis. 15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce. 16. You plan what you’re going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage. 17. You believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan. 18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it sure is quiet around here.” 19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers. 20. You refer to Friday as “dump day”. 21. You believe chocolate is a food group. 22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment. 23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on their “Great Veins.” 24. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care facility” 25. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate. 26. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a celestial transfer. 27. You ever answered a “lost condom” phone call. 28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a “smurf.” 29. Your idea of a really good time is dueling shock rooms. 30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide… getting it right the first time.” 31. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis. 32. You have ever had to leave a pt’s room before you begin laughing uncontrollably. 33. You have ever wanted to reply “yes” when someone calls asking, “Is my Mother (father, etc.) there? 34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER. 35. You have ever issued a “dead head alert”. 36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a “Shit magnet”. 37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. 38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form. 39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. 40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is “What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?” 41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, “Who’s in charge of this mess anyway?” 42. When you mention vegetables you’re not referring to the food group. 43. You have used the words “healthcare reform” to strike fear in your co-worker’s hearts. 44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick. 45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips. 46. You believe a “supreme being consult” is your pts only hope. 47. You want to order a “dumbshit profile”. 48. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, “No I don’t worry about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.” 49. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed. 50. Your patient states, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
Pig-ipede
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs!
Ask Abe
Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument.
He said, “George, what should I do?� After a few seconds George replied,
“Abolish the IRS and start over�. Bill thought about this for a few seconds and
continued jogging Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He
said, “Tom, what should I do?” After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish
welfare and start over�. Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and
came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?” After a few
seconds Abe replied, “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”
Blonde Joke
Q: What goes “Vroom!..screech..Vroom!..screech”?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
Day 15
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.
The Top 16 Signs You Have March Madness
16> At dinner you form your mashed potatoes and asparagus into
brackets.
15> You’ve taken to referring to your youngest child as a
“fourth seed.”
14> Instead of an “Amen!” you give the preacher a “Yeah, baby!”
13> Breakfast starts with a bracket of 64 Cheerios — losers are
eaten, winners move on. Of course, in the end even the
Champion Cheerio gets to visit StomachLand.
12> In honor of Bobby Knight, you choke the chicken with both
hands.
11> You’ve actually started praying again.
10> You’re 5’8″ with a hefty paunch and lead feet, yet you think
you’ve got enough “madd skillz” to take on all comers down at the South
Side Y.
9> In a moment of weakness, you tell your barber,
“Give me the Dickie V.”
8> “Dad, I got accepted to Harvard!” “Who?”
7> You demanded that the rehearsal dinner be at a
sports bar.
6> “I have March Madness!” sounds marginally better
than “I let the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ photographer buy me 14 tequila
shooters at South Padre.”
5> You call it a “backcourt violation,” but your wife
calls it perverted.
4> You just voted to give the federal courts
jurisdiction to reinsert Wake Forest into the tournament.
3> Huge tattoos of John Philip Sousa on both ass
cheeks.
2> Before climbing to the top of the clock tower, you
festively paint the bullets in the team colors.
1> Wanting to stay home and watch the games all day
Thursday and Friday, but not wanting to tell your boss a lie about a
death in the family, you’re faced with a dilemma: which
grandparent to murder.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
Mommy Dearest!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Mom, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, “Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.
I said, “What’s wrong honey?”
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said –
“Mommy, where’s my booger?