There’s a man named Ralph

There’s a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A
friend approaches him and asks, “Why the long face, Ralph?”

“Oh, I’m just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and
there’s just nothing left to challange me.”

His friend says, “No, you can’t know everyone. Do you know Frank Sinatra?”

He says, “Sure, Frank’s an old friend of mine. Here, I’ll show you.” He
goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears, “Hey Ralph,
how ya doing?”

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure
that it was Frank Sinatra on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he
knows Bill Clinton.

Ralph says, “Sure, me and Billy go way back.” This time he lets him
listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like Bill on the other
end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic
scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the converstation to a
close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. “Well, there must be
someone that you don’t know.” He goes over a few more people in his mind,
and thinks, “He can’t possibly know the Pope. After all, he’s a
Protestant. But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise,
his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get
positive proof of Ralph’s conviction.

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out
in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He’s
standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the
private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs
down to see what can be done for him. “What happened to you? Couldn’t you
accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?”

“No, I’d begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath
away was some stranger standing next to me who said, `Who’s that guy
standing there with Ralph?’ ”

Unwelcome

Bob took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bob, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Heartburn

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at
the bar and ordered, “Bartender, bartender, I would like a Marmots.”

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

“Bartender, I would like another Marmots”, again the bartender brought her a
Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang
on. She called, “Bartender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn�.

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a bartender,
but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Marmots, but a
Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the
ashtray.”

Georgie

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.

One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says “I’ll name mine 7-up because he’s seven inches and always up.”

The second one says “I’ll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me.”

And the third one says “I’ll name mine Jack Daniels.”

The others say “Hey! That’s not a softdrink that’s a hard licker!”.

She says “That’s My Georgie!!”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

En un aeropuerto de una

En un aeropuerto de una de las ciudades de la antigua Cortina de Hierro, un esp�a hu�a de la polic�a secreta rusa, la KGB. Estaba a punto de ser capturado, cuando, s�bitamente, tropez� con una monja a la que le pidi� que lo escondiera bajo su h�bito.

Los agentes de la KGB preguntaron a la religiosa si hab�a visto al esp�a y le dieron su descripci�n. Ella les informa que no lo hab�a visto.

Cuando ya el peligro hab�a pasado, el esp�a sali� de debajo del vestido de la monja y se inici� el siguiente di�logo:

“Gracias, hermana, por haberme salvado de ser capturado por la KGB”.

“Ha sido con mucho gusto, hijo”.

“Tengo que decirle, hermana, que usted tiene unas hermosas piernas. �Se dio usted cuenta del besito que le di en las pantorrillas?”

“Claro, hijo”.

“�Sinti� usted los besitos que le estamp� en las piernas, antes de las rodillas?”

“S�, hijo”.

“�Not� cuando fui subiendo y le cubr� las piernas de besos, arriba de las rodillas?”

“S�, hijo”.

“�Qu� hubiera sucedido si yo sigo subiendo, y subiendo y llen�ndola de besos?”

“�Pues que me hubieras besado los huevos, cabr�n! �Yo tambi�n soy un esp�a!”

Water

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:

Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.

Woman: Ok.

Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.

Woman: Ok.

Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with me Dr.?”

Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo