My Dick is soooo big

There are many ways to describe just how well endowed you are, for example… My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I’m bangin’ your loose momma! My dick is so big, there’s still snow on it in the summertime. My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company. My dick is so big, it won’t return Spielberg’s calls. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school. My dick has an elevator and a lobby. My dick has better credit than I do. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I c um. My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It’s now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick. My dick is so big, it has casters. My dick is so big, I’m already fu cking a girl tomorrow. My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor. My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick. 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My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph. My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick’s people will call your people. Let’s have lunch with my dick. My dick is so big, it’s right behind you.

Erotic costume

After having watched a number of fashion shows, a woman became obsessed with
the modern vogue. She started inventing all kinds of attires. Once her husband
came home and saw his wife walk naked in the apartment.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Ah, you’re ignorant of the new trends in fashion. This is just my new erotic
costume.”
“Then at least iron it.”

WISDOM: ‘…A Cowboy’s Guide To Life’

‘Don’t Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy’s Guide To Life’ by Texas Bix Bender————————————————–Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.Never ask a man the size of his spread.After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Always drink upstream from the herd.Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be suprised if they learn their lesson.The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Outsmarting the Boss

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and “the boys” soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, “You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I’ve been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.”

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, “I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?”

To which our young friend replied, “Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!”

Drunk Lady In Bar

A lady stumbles into a bar.

She says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martini, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and put a pickle in
it.” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and you better put
two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s
not a martini, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a
pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got artburn, “

You have your left tit in the Ashtray!”

Bush is a Puppet?

President George W. Bush was getting angry about the public opinion of his
ability to govern, so he arranged a press conference to let the American public
know what was on his mind.
He started strongly, “The American People must know that I am wholly fit,
capable, and prepared to serve this nation as commander-in-chief. And I say to
those people who believe that I don’t have a mind of my own…” Bush said and
froze. He looked over at Cheney and whispered, “Dick, what do I say to them
again…?”

It’s Getting Deep

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pard.”

“Oh yeah, what happened?”

“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. Damn near got me!”

“So, how’d you get away?”

“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make the fence and jump over.”

“Man, that’s scary. If it’d been me, I’d probably have shit all over the place.”

“What do you think that bull was slipping in?”