A blonde walks into a building….you would have thought she would have seen it!
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There were two blondes going to disneyland. THen they came to a fork in the road it read:Disneyland Left a…So they went home!!!
Wig problems
A middle-aged guy who was stark bald bought a hairpiece to see if he could
increase his attractiveness. That same night, he decided to try it out. He
picked up a really cute young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. He
turned off all the lights to get things started, and soon they in to heavy
petting. Lothario realized with horror that his wig had fallen off, and began
groping frantically for it in the darkness, hoping to put it back on his head
before the girl discovered his deception.
In his searching zeal he inadvertently ran his hand up between his date’s
legs.
“Oh! That’s it!” she exclaimed. “No it isn’t! I part mine on the side.”
Fifteen things it took me over 30 years to learn…
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. (Also, remember that a large group of professionals built the Titanic.)
Ethical Problem
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: Should he tell his partner?
En una iglesia de pueblo,
En una iglesia de pueblo, el cura le pide a un pintor local que le pinte un enorme cuadro de La �ltima Cena, en una de las paredes de la parroquia. El artista pueblerino comienza a crear su obra, sopl�ndose, de vez en cuando, unos tragos de alcohol. Cinco horas m�s tarde termina y le manda llamar al sacerdote para que le diera su punto de vista.
El cl�rigo empieza a contar a los ap�stoles y advierte que son trece. Entonces, le reclama al pintor que deber�an ser doce ap�stoles y que quer�a que el decimotercero fuera borrado o que hiciera algo con ese ap�stol que sobraba. A la hora regresa el sacerdote y, al mirar el cuadro, advierte que encima de uno de los disc�pulos hab�a un letrero con el siguiente texto:
“Yo no soy ap�stol ni nada, yo nom�s como y me voy a la chingada”.
Top reason for sleep
“Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!””This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!””This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!””Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.””They told me at the blood bank this might happen.””Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.””This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.””Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper””I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!””This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!””I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance””It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?””Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!””I was working smarter-not harder.””Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.””I’m in the management training program.””Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.””Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!””Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!””It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.”And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:”…and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!”
Booger booger
Once there was a boy who picked his nose everyday that one day while he was still pickin his nose his finger went through his eye.
Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.
He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the lab’s mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.
So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the lab’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.
The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The lab checks out the times, and sits on one of the benches. Along comes a bus. The lab walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. Again the lab goes and checks out the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now fully intrigued, follows the lab onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the lab gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still in tow. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door. Then he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the lab goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the lab, who now hangs his head in shame.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!”
To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
Lonely frog
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled, “This is great!
“Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.
“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.
Suicide Blond
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, ‘Shut up… you’re next.’
Your Point of View
I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get
my head that far up my ass.