Why did the elephant wear multi-color tennis shoes? So he could hide in the jelly bean jar.
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Michelle
A man and his wife, Michelle, were getting ready for a halloween party.
The party started at 7.00pm and they arrived at the door at 7.15pm.
The man and his wife both turned up at the door naked, the woman on the man’s back.
The man at the door asked what they were dressed as and the man said “I am the snail and this is Michelle!!”
Ways to Annoy People
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
5. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
6. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
what do you call a puerto rican in a three…
what do you call a puerto rican in a three piece suit? defendent
Q….
Q.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A. Slow.
The Missing Football
A man holding a football leaned over his garden gate and shouted to two boys
on the other side of the street,”is this yore ball?” “did it do any damage,
mister?” asked one of the lads “no,it didn’t “Then it is ours” said the boy.
Manslaughter and Jury Duty
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'””See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” She wasn’t selected for the jury…
Addictive personality
A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.”When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.””Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.”What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!” answered the doctor.”Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” replied the patient.”What is that supposed to mean?” demanded the doctor.”Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt.”
Ten of our Favorite Pick-Up Lines…
Ten of our Favorite Pick-Up Lines
- Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be
- Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
- I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking
to you. - Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat
me right, and I’ll do it your way - Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
- I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room. - I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.
- If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
Wedding practical joke
Write on the bottom of shoesSomeone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides “Help Me”, other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I’m With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I’m Doomed!)
No Devil
One evening, a young woman came home from a date rather sad. She
told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why
are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even
believe there’s a Devil.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”
What am I?!
I go in dry ,I come out wet.
The longer Im in, the stronger I get.
I come out dripping, I start to sag.
Im not what you think,
Im a Lyons tea bag!