Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Author: admin
One too many pills
One day a wife gets married but she is having a very bad sex life so she consults her doctor about it. she says”doc im having a bad sex life help me!” the doctor says here give this to your husband every night for improvement. well she puts a pill in the glass and has good sex so she thinks”hmmmm if one pill did that just imagine two pills so she puts two pill in his drink and they have great sex and she is thinking “hmmm if two did that just imagine the whole bottle.so she pours the whole bottle in the cup.(the next morning)the doctor callos the house and asks the son so hows everyone doing”. “well my mom is dead (too much sex) my sister is pregnant and my ass hurt” “well hows your dad doing” “well he outside yelling here kitty kitty kitty”
Careful wishes
Joe walks into a bar and sits down.
He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.
Joe is like “Holy crap, where did you get that?”
The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he’ll get anything he wishes for.
Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.
A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.
He goes back to the bar and says “I don’t understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?”
The man rolls his eyes and says, “Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
She looks like her dad Janet Reno.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: She looks like her dad Janet Reno.
Brainy Blonde
Once there was a blonde who got DARNED sick and tired of those jokes mocking blondes for a low I.Q.
She therefore resolved to prove that blonds could be as smart as anyone else. She spent several weeks studiously peering at a map…
The next time some one attempted to tell a Blonde Joke, she riposted
“Well, I’m a blonde and I’m NOT stupid! I’ll have you know I’ve memorized the Capitals of every state in the union!”
“So what’s the capital of Vermont?” inquired a sceptic.
The blonde giggled: “That’s easy! ‘V’ ……..”
Mixed emotions
What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Aquel hombre era astronauta y
Aquel hombre era astronauta y su mujer siempre lo estaba molestando con su deseo de viajar al espacio. Tanto lo estuvo fastidiando, que a pesar de explicarle que aquello era imposible, finalmente acordaron que en el siguiente viaje espacial ella lo sustituir�a sin que nadie lo supiera.
La mujer se viste con el traje espacial del marido, marcado con su nombre: John Smith. Sin decir palabra, se dirigi� hacia la nave saludando con la mano a todos los que le gritaban: ‘mucha suerte, John’; ‘buen viaje, John’, etc.
La nave despeg� y a los pocos segundos estall� en el aire. Inmediatamente se organiz� el rescate y auxilio de los sobrevivientes. Ya en el quir�fano, la mujer comenz� a reaccionar; para tranquilizarla, los cirujanos le susurran:
“Qu�date tranquilo, John, ya te cosimos el tajito que ten�as entre las piernas y ahora estamos tratando de bajarte los huevos, que los ten�s en el pecho”.
Help me Doc!
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy’s too big. So I’d like you to tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I’ll have you examined.
Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn’t! I didn’t!
Untitled joke
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None… because you can program around anything!
Things to Ponder
1. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
4. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
5. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
6. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
7. Why is the alphabet in that order?
8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?(I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work)
10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
13..If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
15. Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
17. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
18. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
19. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
20. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
21. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
22. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
23. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
24. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
25. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
26. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
27. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
28. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
29. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
30. Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
8 Things to Say to Telemarketers
8 fun things to do when someone calls your house trying to sell
you something.
1. Ask for their name and pretend you know them and they are
your old High School friend.
2. Ask them a lot about what they are trying to sell you and
waste their time (act like you’re interested in buying the
product) and then at the end of the conversation, say that you
don’t want it.
3. If you know another language, speak in it.
4. Hang up on them.
5. Tell them you know where they sleep.
6. Try to sell them something.
7. If it’s AT&T yell, BELL ATLANTIC IS BETTER!
8. (opposite of #7)
Bad size
Your dick is so small you pee on your nuts.