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Hooker

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As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, “Honey, I have a confession to make. I’m a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can’t get enough of it. You’ll probably never see me on the weekends.”

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, “Honey I have a confession also…I’m a hooker.”

“No problem.” Replied the groom, “Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You’ll be hitting them straight in no time.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn’t Going Well (Part II)

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16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride’s ankle cuff.

15> You’re forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride’s father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he’s sitting in the front row, you still don’t remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, “I do!” Unfortunately, it’s when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you’re still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> “Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your….”

8> When the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> “Something blue” is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.

Something new? Check.

Something borrowed? Check.

Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride’s side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, “Not the Preciousssss!”

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for “clitoris.”

1> You can’t seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you’re handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

If this company ran Christmas…

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If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

Some famous lines in history!

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As Jack the Ripper’s mother said to her son, “How come you never go out with the same girl twice?”

As Caesar said, “Let me mix that salad!”

As Moses said to God, “Let me see if I have it right – the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?”

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, “I can’t understand it. I paid for a seat!”

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, “We can’t rob that bank. That’s where we keep our money!”

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, “Don’t shout!”

Ed Zachary Disease

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There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had
a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of
Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his
office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.
“Now,” he said. “Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room.”
The woman did.
“Now,” he said. “Now craw reery reery fass back to me.” The woman did. The Dr.
looked at her mournfully and said “I very sully. Your problem very bad, you have
Ed Zachery Disease.”
“Ed Zachery Disease? What’s that?”
“Very sad. It’s when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass.”

Cop wants an excuse

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A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.” The man thought for a moment and said… “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!”