Author: admin

Sintomatolog�a t�pica ocasionada por el

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Sintomatolog�a t�pica ocasionada por el consumo de cerveza
(Gu�a pr�ctica de reconocimiento y resoluci�n)

S�ntoma: Pies fr�os y h�medos.
Causa: El vaso est� siendo agarrado en �ngulo incorrecto.
Soluci�n: Gire el vaso hasta que la parte abierta est� hacia arriba.

S�ntoma: Pies calientes y mojados.
Causa: Ud. se ha orinado.
Soluci�n: Vaya a secarse al ba�o m�s pr�ximo.

S�ntoma: La pared de enfrente est� llena de focos.
Causa: Se ha ca�do de espaldas al suelo.
Soluci�n: Ubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.

S�ntoma: Su boca est� llena de colillas de cigarrillos.
Causa 1: Ud. se cay� de cara al suelo.
Causa 2: Ud. meti� la cara en el cenicero.
Soluci�n: Reubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.

S�ntoma: El suelo est� borroso.
Causa: Ud. est� mirando a trav�s del fondo de un vaso vac�o.
Soluci�n: Compre otra cerveza.

S�ntoma: La gente habla produciendo un misterioso eco.
Causa: Tiene la jarra de cerveza en la oreja.
Soluci�n: Deje de hacerse el payaso.

S�ntoma: El escusado es de oro.
Causa: Se est� usted orinando en el saxof�n.
Soluci�n: Pida disculpas al m�sico y l�rguese.

S�ntoma: Reflejo m�ltiple de caras en el agua del vaso o sanitario.
Causa: Est� intentando vomitar.
Soluci�n: M�tase el dedo (en la garganta).

S�ntoma: La sala qued� completamente a oscuras.
Causa: El bar cerr�.
Soluci�n: Pregunte al camarero la direcci�n de su casa.

S�ntoma: El suelo se est� moviendo.
Causa: Est� siendo cargado o arrastrado.
Soluci�n: Pregunte si le est�n llevando a otro bar.

S�ntoma: Todo a su alrededor se est� moviendo mucho.
Causa: Est� en un coche.
Soluci�n: Pida que le lleven a casa.

S�ntoma: El chofer del taxi es un elefante rosado.
Causa: Ud. bebi� much�simo.
Soluci�n: Pida al elefante que le lleve al hospital m�s cercano.

S�ntoma: La discoteca se mueve mucho y la m�sica es muy repetitiva.
Causa: Est� en una ambulancia.
Soluci�n: No moverse; posible coma et�lico.

S�ntoma: Un enorme foco de la discoteca le ciega la vista.
Causa: Est� usted en la calle y ya es de d�a.
Soluci�n: Ir a dormir la mona a su casa.

S�ntoma: No tiene hijos y su mujer tiene 60 a�os.
Causa: Se equivoc� de portal.
Soluci�n: Suba un piso m�s y vaya a dormir a su casa.

S�ntoma: Su amigo no le hace caso.
Causa: Est� hablando con un buz�n de correos.
Soluci�n: Busque a su amigo para que le lleve a casa.

Blood Test

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Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Constipated Polak

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A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.

“Have you been taking them regulary?” the doctor asked.

“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the Pole said, “Shoving them up my ass?”

Smuggling

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While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed at the two sacks the man carried on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” said the man.

“Get them off – we’ll take a look.”

The man did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two `ags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every day for six weeks, until one day the man with the sand bags didn’t show up.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet him downtown.

“Say friend, you sure had us crazy. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it ?”

“Bicycles!”

Need a good condom

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A huge Indian walks into a convinient store.”I need a good condom” The cashier replies: “Here’s a pretty good one. This should be fine.”The next day the Indian returns.”Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!”cashier: “Well here, try this one. It’s our heavy duty condom. This can stand up to anything.”The next day the Indian returns.”Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!”cashier: “That’s insane! Here try this one. It’s made out of pure tire rubber. This thing could stand up to King Kong.”The next day the Indian returns.”Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go ugh. Left nut go CAPOW!”

Politician

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A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman.

Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow.

He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house.

“Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you’re talking to?”

“Says he’s a politician, dad,” Luke said.

“In that case, you’d better bring the cow inside with you.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Tell the Dean How You Feel

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Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think
about him/her?

Well,… if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you’d
better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I
expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight
in the eye.

“Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly… you could practice birth
control just by leaving the lights on!” And then I walked off the stage,
and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had
imagined it would forthe last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room,
where it proudly exclaims to the world:

“In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate
to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”

Blond Mail

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A family that lived across the road from a blond was haveing a
barbequ and the man noticed that the blond was comeing out every
five minutes and looking in her mail-box, after she had checked
about four times the man went over to the mail-box and waited
for her.
When she came out the man asked what the problem was, and she
said “My computer keeps saying ‘you’ve got mail’ and when I
check I don’t have any!”

Not in a lifetime

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Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask. Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: ‘Will there ever be married Catholic priests?’ God promptly replied: ‘Not in your life-time.’ Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: ‘what about female priests then, will we have that one day?’ Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: ‘Not in your life-time, I’m afraid.’ Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: ‘Will there ever be another Polish pope?’ God answered quickly and with a firm voice, ‘Not in My life time.’