BUSH CAN’T PUT PUZZLE TOGETHER

Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, George. “I’ve got a problem,” says George.

“What’s the matter?” asks Cheney.
“Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle,
but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”

“What’s it a picture of?” asks Cheney.
“A big rooster,” replies George.
“All right,” sighs Cheney, “I’ll come over and have a look.” So he leaves his
office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his
desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George and says, “For crying
out loud, Georgie – put the corn flakes back in the box.”

A burglar broke into a house. While ransacking…

A burglar broke into a house. While ransacking the house he heard a voice
“God is watching you!” the voice said.

Startled, the burglar looked
around and saw nothing and surmised he must be hearing things and went
about his business of looting the place.

Again he heard a voice saying
“God is watching you!” Looking around this time he saw a parrot in a cage
in the corner of the room. Walking up to the parrot he said “Did you say
that”?

The parrot replied “Yes”

“What’s your name”? said the
burglar.

The parrot replied “Rover”.

The burglar exclaimed “What kind of
people would name their parrot Rover”?

The parrot replied “Probably the
same ones that named their Doberman ‘God!'”

The Night Before Chanukah…

The Night Before Chanukah

‘Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels– Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin’ and tickin’
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k’duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
”Yiddishe kinder,” he cried, ”Kenahorah!”
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I’m here, I’ll leave a few toys.”
”Come into the kitchen, I’ll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish.”
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out ”Gevalt!”
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
”Your koshereh meals are simply delish!”
As he went through the door he said ”See y’all later
I’ll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!”
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and ”Bleibtz mir gezint”
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
”Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!”
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
”A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!”

Intersection

country boy went to new york to visit his uncle he decided to go for a walk one day on his own in the process he became lost and confused he went to the telephone booth on the street corner called his uncle told him that he was lost his uncle replied look out the telephone booth and give me the name of the intersection that you are calling from and i will come right down and pick you up the country boy go to the intersection and look and his response to his uncle was i am at the corner of walk and dont walk.

Midget in a toilet

Standing at a urinal, a man notices he’s being watched by a
midget. Although the short man is staring at him intently, the
man doesn’t feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder over to him, climbs it and proceeds to stare at the
mans balls at close range.
“Wow!” says the midget, “those are the nicest balls I’ve ever
seen!”
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget but starts to
walk away. But the dwarf stops him.
“Listen, I know this is a strange request, but can I touch your
balls?”
“Erm. I suppose theres no harm in it” says the man.
Quickly the midget reaches out and grabs the guys balls tightly
and shouts “Hand over the wallet or I jump…!”

Me !

Tired of the boring “straights” she’d been laying, a girl decided she’d find out if bikers were really the heavy “cocksmen” that she heard they were.

So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad.

Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect dick was only two inches long.

“Who,” she demanded scornfully, “do you think you’re going to satisfy with that?”

Grinning confidently, the biker replied, “Me!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Va un sujeto viajando en

Va un sujeto viajando en su auto por la carretera a 120 Km/h. Estaba por llegar a su destino, cuando uno de los camiones que ven�a detr�s de �l se apura para alcanzarlo; le sopla unos bocinazos y le hace se�as para que pare. El hombre se detiene, y el camionero le informa que 50 Km atr�s se le cay� la mujer del auto.

“�Gracias a Dios, pens� me hab�a quedado sordo!”

String Theory

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender
says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few
minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking
a little exasperated, says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in
a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and
orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

Yo Momma Cracks

Yo momma so old she co-wrote the ten commandments.
Yo momma so old Jesus signed her yearbook.
Yo momma so poor I stepped on a roach and she said why ya turned off my a/c.
Yo momma so nasty I went to her house and asked what was for dinner, she put her foot on the table and said corn.
Yo momma so fat when she broke her leg gravy poured out.
Yo momma so skinny she hola-hooped with a Cheerio.
Yo momma so stupid she saw Cheerios and said oh look donut seeds.
Yo momma got so many gaps her mouth there was a sign that says NEXT TOOTH A MILE.
Yo momma teeth so yellow when she smiled the rooster crowed.
Yo momma armpits so stanky she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo momma so hairy she stood next to a bear and they couldnt tell the differences.
Yo momma so dark she went to night class and they took rolled counted her absent.
Yo momma so dumb when she said the Lords prayer she thougth his name was HOWARD.
Yo momma breathe so stanky when she yawn the whole town had to evacuate.

Why you shouldn'

A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself “what a deal” since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, “this is too good to be true!” and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didn’t even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird.”what did you do to my firebird!” shrieked the man.”….Firebird?” questioned the blonde.”…and all this time I thought it was the porsche”