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What are you in here for??

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There was two little boys in the hospital ready to
undergo surgery. (lets call them Jimmy and Billy) Jimmy asks
Billy,”What are you in here for?” Billy answers,”Im going to get
my tonsils taken out.” “WOW,” says Jimmy, “my sister got her
tonsils taken out and she had to eat ice cream for a week.” Then
Billy asks Jimmy,”What are you in here for?” Jimmy replies,”Im
going to get circumcised.”So Billy says,”Oh no, my parents told
me i got circumcised when i was born, and i didn’t walk for a
year.”

Which Bra?

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Once a man walked in to the ladies department of Macy’s one day.
Shyly, he went to the woman at the front desk. “Um,” he said, “I
need a bra for my wife.” The woman responded, “Which type?” With
this, the man was confused. “There is more than one type?” “Yes,
why don’t you look around.” He looked and looked, but didn’t
know how to choose. So he went back up to the front desk, “How
many types are there?” “Four.” she responed. The man was still
confused. Noticing this the lady told him, “The types are
Catholic, Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
type.” “What is the differance?” “Well, the Catholic type holds
up the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts what’s fallen, the
Presbyterian type keeps the staunch and upright, and the Baptist
type makes a mountain out of a mole-hill.”

Guess who?

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

The Top 9 Signs Your Significant Other is an Agent Of Satan (Part I)

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9. Constantly doing aerobics to “Sweatin’ To The Eternal Fires of Damnation” video.

8. His two big accomplishments of 1998? Signing John Tesh to a 6-record contract and green-lighting 3 Adam Sandler films.

7. C’mon — do you really think *God* would find a partner for a loser like you?

6. Brimstone and fire and the smell of sulfur every night, even when he hasn’t had Taco Bell.

5. You: Gorgeous Blond Supermodel

Him: Geeky Dark-Haired Purveyor of Card Tricks

4. Has never once had to reboot his Windows 98 system.

3. Claims she got that “Roast Suckling Child” recipe by watching Martha Stewart.

2. Lovemaking always results in charred genitalia.

1. Uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Guy spits into glass

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There’s a guy in a bar, it’s late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, “If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?” The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, “ok, show me”The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, “That’s amazing! You deserve the $50!”The next day, about noon, the guy’s in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, “if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I’ll give you $200″The guy says, “Sure, but I need a little time to get ready” So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, “I don’t see what you’re so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you’d be happy about it.”