Military Rules

Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:

1.) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem…kick their ass.

2.) When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest…kick their ass.

3.) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4.) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU’s), telling others that you used to be “Special Forces,” and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
Personal Note: I ran into a FEW of these Guys and they really piss me off!

5.) If you witness someone calling an enlisted “Sir,” stand back…a Marine will kick their ass.

6.) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, “Do you fly a jet?” Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kickin’ (children are exempt).

7.) Roseanne Barr’s singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper…it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.

8.) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her…… of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9.) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is “traitor.” Just mention her nomination for “Woman of the Year” and get your ass kicked.

10.) Don’t try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn’t know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those “representatives” meet. All we know is that when those civilian Representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11.) “Your mama wears combat boots” never made sense to me…stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!

12.) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying “Let’s go kill those Commie’s!!!” And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me…if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

13.) Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. It could get your ass kicked.

14.) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

�Cansado de ejercicios abstractos sobre

�Cansado de ejercicios abstractos sobre c�lculos de vectores y planos en el espacio?

Prueba un poco de �lgebra con ejemplos realmente pr�cticos y descubre una nueva manera de ejercitar tus neuronas.

Enunciado:

Una madre es 21 a�os mayor que su hijo y en 6 a�os el ni�o ser� 5 veces menor que ella.

Pregunta:

�D�nde est� el padre?

Esta tarea se puede solucionar, no es tan dif�cil como parece. �No mires la soluci�n! Hay que hacer cuentas primero.

NOTA: Hay que poner mucha atenci�n a la pregunta: �D�nde est� el padre?

Soluci�n:

El ni�o tiene hoy X a�os y su madre tiene hoy Y a�os. Sabemos que la madre es 21 a�os mayor que el hijo. Entonces:

X + 21 = Y

Sabemos que en 6 a�os el ni�o ser� 5 veces menor que su madre. Por lo que podemos deducir la siguiente ecuaci�n:

5 (X+6) = Y+6

Reemplazamos Y por X + 21 y procedemos a despejar:

5 (X+6) = X + 21 + 6
5X + 30 = X + 27
5X – X = 27 – 30
4X = -3
X = -3/4

El ni�o tiene hoy – 3/4 de a�o, lo que es igual a menos 9 meses.

Matem�ticamente hemos logrado demostrar que a la madre, en este momento, le est�n haciendo el amor.

Resultado:

El padre est� encima de la madre.

�F�CIL!

Clinton Fan

There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny. The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.” The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?” Johnny says, “Because I’m a Clinton fan.” The teacher asks why he’s a Clinton fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a Clinton fan and my dad’s a Clinton fan, so I’m a Clinton fan!” The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if you’re mom was a moron and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?” Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan!”

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are
freezing!” She says, “Well put them here between my legs and
that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop
some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are
really freezing!” She says again “Well put them here between my
legs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey,
my hands are really, really freezing!” She looks at him at says,
“For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Ghost dog in bar

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.

The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks “yeah, what do you want?”.

The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice “I’ve lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on”.

At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. “Sorry, but we don’t re-tail spirits at this time of night”.

�Por qu� no sirve de

�Por qu� no sirve de nada sermonear a un hombre?

Porque cuando una mujer dice:

“Esto est� hecho un desastre. Vamos, tenemos que ordenar esto t� y yo; tus cosas est�n tiradas en el suelo y no tendr�s nada de ropa que ponerte si no la ponemos en la lavadora ahora mismo”.

Lo que el hombre escucha es:

Blah, blah, blah, blah… VAMOS,
Blah, blah, blah, blah… T� Y YO
Blah, blah, blah, blah… EN EL SUELO
Blah, blah, blah, blah… NADA DE ROPA
Blah, blah, blah, blah… AHORA MISMO.

Ode to Spam

Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up –
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man’s eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there’s no one around –
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I’ve tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig’s feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM, my SPAM – the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.