Author: admin

TO: Public Release

RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good
deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about
other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining
was necessary due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the
season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and
mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He
could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase
of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at
the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for
which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am
pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the
earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the
cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was
into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken
out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under
executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require
the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are
to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a
plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of
one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in
the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical
swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn
some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this
a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the
process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If
we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen
lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.