BEAVERTON, OREGON – Intel Corporation announced a major expansion of its successful ‘Intel Inside’ campaign with a new line of silicon breast implants.’We thought this would be a natural market for us because of our unparalleled knowledge of silicon,’ Intel spokesperson Duwane Marino told the tightly-packed audience at a press conference in the Teton Auditorium in Beaverton’s Civic Center Building. ‘Besides, Intel has a wealth of experience forcing new technology on the mass market. We feel that we’re the company that makes cosmetic upgrades a part of the average person’s life.Implant beta-test subject, actress and model Eirika Anderssen, stated that her career is 133% faster since receiving ‘Pointium-II’ implants at the beginning of the year. ‘Intel Inside stacks up against the best of the others,’ she said.Industry experts agree that the Intel move will turn plenty of heads, but believe the market for the new Intel products will be soft through 3rd quarter as women wait for faster, second generation models that feature new ‘plug and play’ capabilities.Upon announcements of these results, Intel Corporation (NYSE symbol `INTL’) stock rose, but sagged mid-day on rumors of lumpy breasts in some subjects due to rounding errors and possible memory leaks in the new implants. By the end of the day, the stock perked up 2 points at closing when the rumors proved to be falsies.
Author: admin
Q: How many Republican
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that… With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.
Sucksess
A man was walking a street on an ordinary day. He climbed the
ladder, like anyone would do. On the cloud he saw an ugly lady
and a ladder leading up to another cloud. She said, “Fuck me
now, or climb the ladderto success.” The man passed on the offer
and climbed the next ladder. On the next cloud he saw a little
more attractive lady and a ladder leading up to another cloud.
She said, “Fuck me now, or climb the ladderto success.” The man
passed on the offer and climbed the next ladder. On the next
cloud he saw an attractive lady and a ladder leading up to
another cloud. She said, “Fuck me now, or climb the ladderto
success.” The man passed on the offer and climbed the next
ladder. He noticed that the general pattern was the higher he
went, the better the chicks got. So he climbed untill he reached
a drop dead gorgous woman sitting on the cloud naked. She said
“Fuck me now or climb to success.” He couldn’t imagin what was
on the next cloud (probably a better chick!), so he climbed. On
this cloud he saw a fat, bald man sitting on the cloud and no
ladder going up. The man had flies buzzing around his head and
he was extremely dirty. Ladder guy asked in horrro “WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU!!?!?!” The fat man smiled, spread open his legs and said
“Hi, I’m Sess”
All the time
What goes in and out of a town 24 hours a day and 7 days a week………………………………………………………………………A road
INVESTMENT ALERT!
Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do.”
Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests:
“It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”
Irish Crocodile
A man goes into a bar on the Shankill road with his pet crocodile. He asks “do you serve catholics?”The bartender replies “Yes, we’re very open-minded here. what can I get you?”The man replies “A pint of Guinness and 2 catholics for the crocodile.”
Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, she got fired too.”
Chinese laundry man
This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry”.
“Hans Olaffsen?”, he thinks. “How in the world does that fit in here?”. So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks, “How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?”.
The old man answers “Is name of owner.” The visitor asks “Well, who in the heck is the owner?”. “I am he”, answers the old man. “You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?”
The old man replies, “Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go “What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me…What your name? I say Sam Ting.”
(Sam Ting= ‘same thing’)
Pregnant Lady vs. Light Bulb
What’s the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Young man?
A woman walked up to a little old man who was rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look, she said, what’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said, I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!”
“That’s amazing, how old are you?” she asked.
He thought for a moment, and replied, “Twenty-six.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A man goes into hospital for some tests….
A man goes into hospital for some tests. They knock him out, and when
he comes round there’s a doctor peering over him; you know, pulling the
eyelid up, wielding the reflex hammer.
Doctor says; “Ahh. I’m glad you’ve come round. I’m afraid I have some
mixed news”
Man Says; “Don’t hold back Doc, tell me the bad news”
Doctor says; “worse than I thought; we had to amputate your left leg”
(You’ve heard it, right ?)
Man says; “What’s the good news then ?”
Doctor replies; “The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers”
Several days later the same man is rushed into the operating theatre for
further surgery. Finally, hours later, he begins to wake. He sees the
doctor peering over him and thinks of deja-vu.
Doctor says; “Ahh. I’m glad you’ve come round. I’m afraid I have some
mixed news again”
Man Says; “What could be worse than having one leg amputated,
tell me the bad news”
Doctor says; “worse than I thought; I’m afraid that we had to amputate
your right leg as well”
The man lapses into fits of uncontrollable tears. The doctor says to him;
“But I haven’t told you the good news yet. Pull yourself together, man”.
The man regains some composure and says; “What is it ?”
Doctor says; “Do you see the nurse over in the corner ?”
“Where ?”; the man asks.
Doctor says; “That nurse over there with long blond hair, large tits,
long legs; absolute nymphomaniac ?”
Man says “Do I. She’s incredible”, getting excited
Doctor says “Well, I screwed her last night”
The Elian Gonzales drinking game
Some are getting tired of this ongoing saga. Since the media won’t give it a rest and move on, we recommend playing the following game during any network or local news shows, “special reports,” news magazines (i.e.,Dateline, 20/20, etc), talk shows, or any other appropriate TV shows.Guaranteed to make watching this story more entertaining or your money back!Beverages required to play the game: Each player must have a beer handy, a liquor appropriate for pouring shots is also required (tequila or rum is preferred).RULES OF PLAY- If a TV announcer says “Castro” everyone in the room must salute with their left hand. The last person to do so must take a shot. If anyone salutes with their right hand accidentally, they also have to take a shot.- If the photo of the SWAT “gunman” is shown, everyone must act scared. The last person to do so must take a shot and then go into a closet until he is “rescued” by another player.- If the TV announcer says “fisherman,” everyone must press their palms together and make a swimming move with their hands. The last person to do so must chug whatever beer remains in their glass.- If a child psychologist is interviewed, everyone must stroke his/her chin and say, “I see.” The first person to do so becomes the “psychologist” and gets to administer shots to any players he/she deems in need of mood improvement.- During any interview of a Member of Congress, everyone must shout, “bullshit!” The last person to do so drinks.- If the TV announcer says “Miami relatives” everyone must shout out either “Lazaro” or “Marisleysis”. A count is made of how many players said each name. Everyone who called out the more popular name has to take a drink of beer.- Whenever the station goes “live to Little Havana” everyone must stand up and dance. The last person on their feet has to do a shot.- If Marisleysis is shown crying everyone must yell “knock it off” and then take a drink of beer.- If Juan Miguel Gonzales is shown carrying his “other son” everyone must yell “wahhhhh” like a baby for as long as they can on one breath. The last person to stop gets to pick a person to do a shot.- If Elian Gonzales returns to Cuba with his father, everyone shouts “Thank God.” The game is then over.