Author: admin

Quickies

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Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?

A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

Oh s***!!!

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At a convent one nun was talking to another. �you wouldn’t believe what i
found in pastern tom’s room the other day.” she said. �well what did you find?”
the other nun asked. �i found some condoms in his room.” she replied. �so what
did you do” the other nun said. �i popped holes in them” she replied
confidently. the other nun ran out screaming �oh s***!!!!!”

Old Professions

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A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of
whose profession was the oldest. “I think my line of work would win this one
hands down,” the surgeon said. “After all, Eve was created from Adam’s rib, and
that sounds like surgery to me.” “Maybe,” the architect said, “but before Adam,
order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment.”
“Sure,” the politician said. “But before that, someone had to create the chaos.”

Marry Right

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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

"The Beer Tastes Like Piss"

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In college, I used to DJ at my fraternity’s parties. I would sit
in the corner with the sound system, a microphone and a stack of
cold beers. Since I didn’t trust anyone with my CD’s and the
fact that girls would dance on a platform directly over my head,
I found it increasingly difficult to leave the DJ booth. I
eventually became so attached to that spot that I didn’t even
leave to pee. I would just duck down and drain my main vein into
a plastic cup. Sometimes girls would come to the booth to make
requests, and I would poke my head up to talk to them while I
was doing the deed below.

After one particularly long leak, I managed to fill up three
cups with warm fluid. I set them on the windowsill and continued
to party. At the end of the night, after the crowd had
dispersed, I went onto the dance floor to retrieve my CD cases.
To my surprise and amusement, the three cups of piss were
nowhere to be found!

Later that week, I heard rumors that some freshmen were bitching
about the warm Coors Light at our party that weekend.

Footballing definitions

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Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two
eagle eyed referee’s assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where “innocent” players are
drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal
when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who’s function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty
area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.

Like Women?

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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”