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Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of
her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her.
Unruffled she took a look and said, “This you call a lining?”
Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, George. “I’ve got a problem,” says George.
“What’s the matter?” asks Cheney.
“Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle,
but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”
“What’s it a picture of?” asks Cheney.
“A big rooster,” replies George.
“All right,” sighs Cheney, “I’ll come over and have a look.” So he leaves his
office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his
desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George and says, “For crying
out loud, Georgie – put the corn flakes back in the box.”
your momma so dumb she saw a cup a milk and said look its a dariy fram
A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself “what a deal” since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, “this is too good to be true!” and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didn’t even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird.”what did you do to my firebird!” shrieked the man.”….Firebird?” questioned the blonde.”…and all this time I thought it was the porsche”
Un d�a, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:
“Hola, Manolo”.
“Hola, Venancio”.
“�Qu� te pasa, hombre, que est�s as�?”
“Oh, qu� no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un �rbol, y he visitado al m�dico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los ri�ones”.
“�Hombre, Manolo, que est�s mal!”
“�Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un c�ntimo!”
“�C�mo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como t�?”
“S�, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, �hombre!”
Q. Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
A Father and son are talking about where to go on holiday.
The father suggests Poland because you can eat and drink for free.
Also, he says, you may go to the buffet for free.
After his visit to Poland his son lies in the hospital and complains
bitterly, “Why have you told me all this is free in Poland. Everytime I
tried to have lunch for free or tried to go to the buffet for free I was
beaten up.”
After his father had a careful reflection he says,
“Oh, sorry. I didn t tell you I was in Poland with the SS!”
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Quack.” the duck answered.
“And why were you arrested?” the judge asked.
“I was blowing bubbles.” he answered.
The judge didn’t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and
called up the next one.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Quack,” the duck answered.
“Why were you arrested?” the Judge asked.
“I was blowing bubbles.” the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
“What’s your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack.” he said.
“No,” said the duck, “My name is Bubbles.”
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender
says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few
minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking
a little exasperated, says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in
a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and
orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,
“This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Tired of the boring “straights” she’d been laying, a girl decided she’d find out if bikers were really the heavy “cocksmen” that she heard they were.
So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad.
Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect dick was only two inches long.
“Who,” she demanded scornfully, “do you think you’re going to satisfy with that?”
Grinning confidently, the biker replied, “Me!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
13. You don’t look anything like Mary and Joseph.
12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.
11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.
10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.
9. The way your dad always says, “Aye, you’ve a bonney wee Afro, m’lad.”
8. You think Kathie Lee’s REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?
7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.
6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin’ a hog and tappin’ the still.
5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm…
4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.
3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.
2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you’re the one who manages a Fotomat.
1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft