Author: admin

Bad Night

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A guy wen out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He woke up with a terrible hangover and went to take a piss and some Alka-Seltzer when he looked down and saw that he had a red and a brown crusty substance around his dick.

He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification. When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad… first of all, the red substance was ordinary lipstick but I’m afraid the brown substance was…. …. chewing tobacco!

Manager, Engineer and a Programmer

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There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution.”The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”The programmer said, “I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

how to be a respected citizen

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there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said “first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women” and the man said “i’ll drink the wiskey first” and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said “on the outside of town.” so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said “wow, that was tough!now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!”

The New Priest

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A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” he began. “I have stolen.”

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.”

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn’t find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, “What does Father John give for a blow job?”

“$12.50 if I take me teeth out.”

You get what you wish for

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A blonde, a bronette, and a redhead were running from the cops. All of a sudden a jeanie appears and says ill grant each one of you one wish and one wish only.
as they are running the bronette says,”I wish I were a bird so I could fly far far away and never come back.” poof she is a bird.
The redhead said,”I wish I were a fly so I could fly far far away and never come back.” so poof she is a fly.
The bloned kept running but she tripped and fell over a rock and she said “Holy Shit” ……poof…

The perfect couple.

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Lord’s Blessing

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One day there was a knock on the Pope’s office door.When he answered it, the salesman said, “Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you.” After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, “I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord’s blessing from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘daily chicken’.”The Pope said, “I’m sorry we just cannot do that.” The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the Pope’s office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again. The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million. The Pope said, “Let me think it over.” The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, “Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘daily bread’ to ‘daily chicken’. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.