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A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says “OK, just grip it like you do your husband’s member”.
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, “Wow that’s great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth.”
LITTLE JOHNNY ON ….. GRAMMAR:
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom.
He yelled out, ‘ Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’
The teacher replied, ‘Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate’. Please use the word
‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, ‘ You’re an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!!! ‘
Estan dos invidentes frente a la puerta de Catedral, cantando con sus guitarras una trist�sima cancion…
Se acerca un tipo elegante y bien vestido y le dice a uno de ellos: “Buen hombre… le voy a dar algo para que no vuelva a cantar en su vida.”
El cieguito afortunado, emite un gru�ido y su compa�ero interpret�ndolo como de satisfacci�n, le pregunta: “�que te dio, cabr�n, que te dio?
Y el afortunado contesta, con voz apenas distinguible: “��Un navajazo!!”
One day, george bush and osama bin laden had a meeting about
peace in afghanastan. They were talking about peace and fairness
when osama pushed a button and a fist came out and punched
george. He pretended not to notice and they kept talking when
osama pushed the second button and a fist came out and punched
him on the face. Again they pretended not to notice and went on.
Finally, osama pushed the third button and it jabbed bush on the
nuts and this time, Bush got up and told osama ” meeting over,
tommorrow we are going to have another meeting in america.
So the next day, they were in d.c and talking when bush
pressed the first button, osama saw this and jumped ten feet
high but nothing happened and bush started to giggle. Later, He
pressed the second button and osama jumped up and shrieked, but
still nothing happened and now bush was cracking up. They kept
on going and Bush pressed the third button and this time osama
ran around in circles jumping and yelling, but still nothing
happened and now bush was on the floor laughing and osama had
enough so he said “that’s it i’m going back to afghanastan ” and
bush goes “what afghanastan?”
your mommas teeth are so yellow when she smiles everyone says there goes betty crocket
Why did the cross the road? Because a black man was coming at it with a skillet of hot grease.
16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.15> It’s highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the “USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!”14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.13> Two words: cheese tailfins.12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.10> Doilies on the control board? Potpourri in the cargo bay? MOM!!!9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.8> “Rocket sound” comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.6> Centrifugal force is measured in “Kenny Gs.”5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.4> The only ‘tang on board is the pilot’s mistress.3> The “heat shield”? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson’s shower.1> Transmission from Apollo 13: “Houston, we have a problem.”Transmission from your ship: “Honey, I have a wedgie.” [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.
A young man went to Victoria’s Secret to buy a Christmas present. The clerk brought out a nightie that cost $50.00 and the man said,”Oh, I can afford more than that”. So she brought a skimpy pair of panties for $100.00 He again said,”Oh, I can afford more than that”. So she went in the back room and beautifully wrapped an empty box and said that will be $250.00. He took it home, handed it to his wife and asked her to try the gift on. She took the package upstairs, opened it and saw nothing in it. She came down stairs in her birthday suit and said, “How do you like it?” He said, “Fine, but for that much money you would think they would iron it”.
Una gorda se encuentra en un ba�o p�blico para damas pint�ndose en el espejo, cuando llega una hermosa pelirroja de ojos azules, delicada cintura y dentro de unos ajustados pantalones de cuero que se ve al espejo. Mientras la rolliza mujer observa tan escultural creaci�n, la tahe�a murmura:
“Gracias, Diet Coke”.
La gordinflona se queda paralizada, con el l�piz labial en la boca, mientras ve salir a la tremenda pelirroja. Continua en su labor cuando entra una hermosa morena, dos veces mejor que la chica anterior y con un cuerpo escultural, delicado, cintura m�nima, que se ve al espejo de arriba abajo y musita:
“Gracias, Fattach�”.
La regordeta se queda agarrotada, con el tubo de rimel a medio abrir, mientras ve salir a la tremenda morena. Continua pint�ndose, cuando entra una hermosa rubia tres veces mejor que la chica anterior, con cuerpo escultural �nico, piel suave, cintura ultra delgada, altas y delgadas piernas, todo un �ngel. La chica se ve al espejo, se observa el delicado y bien formado bolsillo trasero de su pantal�n y susurra:
“Gracias, Silohuette 40”.
La mofletuda mujer termina de pintarse y se alista para salir; se ve al espejo y lanza:
“�El co�o de tu madre, Galletas Oreo!”
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
George W Bush and Al Gore (Democratic candidate) were on an aero plane
cruising across the USA.
PILOT: We are now flying over part of Brooklyn. The average weekly wage over
this area is $1.
It was only days before the election and the two men were thinking of pulling
off some stunts.
GORE: I’m going to make someone down there a hundred times happier than they
are now instantly.
BUSH: How?
GORE: I’m going to throw a �100 bill outside the window. Someone on $1 per
week will find it and my advisers have told me that that will make that
individual 100 times richer and therefore 100 times happier.
BUSH: I can do better than that. I’ll make one hundred people a thousand times
happier.
GORE: How?
BUSH: By throwing out of the aero plane one hundred bills worth $1000 each.
The pilot hears the two hopefuls conversing and decides to join in.
PILOT: That’s nothing. I can make at least 260 million people a million times
happier this instant.
BUSH & GORE: How? Please tell us!
PILOT: By throwing the two of you out of the aero plane.
ZS