Author: admin

The…

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The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don’t understand the Washington Post.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the
country, if they could spare the time.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running
the country.

The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a
country, or that anyone is running it.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

THE BLONDE’S SISTER

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

To which the blonde replies…..� Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away.”
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. “Why
don’t you go home for the day…..we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off
to relax and rest.”
The blonde very calmly states……”No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, saying “If you need
anything, just let me know.”
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to
her, asking, “Are you gonna be ok??”
“No,” exclaims the blonde. “I just got a call from my sister. She told me that
HER mom died too!!”

Different bedrooms

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An 80-years old gramps married a young 18 years old girl. Their first night
they spend in different bedrooms. Late at night the new wife hears knocking on
the door. It’s her husband.
– Honey, I’ve come to perform my husband’s duty.
They do it and he leaves. An hour later he’s back.
– Honey, I’ve come to perform my husband’s duty.
They do it again and then the girl says:
– But darling, you’ve already performed your duty an hour ago!
– Sorry, darling, I’ve got Alzheimer’s.

The woman is on fire

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A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.But it also lit up her arm, too!Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

Measuring Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”