When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Author: admin
Things NOT to say to try to complament a 6th Grade
1.) Did you know that you wig almost looks real?
2.) So were you born this ugly or is it a skin condition?
3.) No, i don’t know what the answer is but i do know that from
here, that big wart on your nose is almost invisable!
4.) Do you shop at Witches*R*Us or did some one give you that
thing you call a sweater?
5.) Are you married to a blind person?
6.) With a toope like that on your head, it looks like there’s a
mad cat on your head!
(Don’t ask me how i found out you shouldn’t say this to
teachers, i just happen to look at the insults on Funny.com
alot!!)
🙂
When something is “new and
When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If
it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s
an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
Will I live any longer?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
I’ve shagged yur Mum
Three guys were drinking in a pub when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar.
After a while he approaches the lads and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts,
‘I’ve shagged your mother!’
The guys look bewildered as the man goes back to his place at the bar and resumes drinking.
Ten minutes later he comes back and points to the bloke in the middle of the trio and shouts,
‘Did you hear me? I’ve shagged your mother’
Then he goes back to his drink.
A short time later the man comes up again, jabs his finger at the middle bloke and announces for the pub to hear,
‘I’ve shagged your mother, and it was good.’
By now the trio have had enough and the one in the middle shouts,
‘Dad, you’re pissed. Bugger off home!’
Working for Clinton vs. for the Pope
What’s the difference between working for Bill Clinton and working for the
Pope?
The Pope only makes you get down on one knee.
Circle fly
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
“These flies are terrible,” the trooper complained.
“Yep,” the farmer said. “Those are circle flies.”
“What’s a circle fly?”
“Them flies that circle a horse’s ass,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”
“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” The trooper angrily asked.
“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A Hanging Affair
This guy is at a dance and spots a really great looking girl at
the next table facing him. So he walks over to her and asks if
she would like to dance. She said, “I don’t dance.” He then
takes her by the hand to lift her up when he notices she was in
a wheelchair. Feeling terrible he apologizes and says, “Allow me
to take you on a date to make up for what I have done.” She
agrees to the next Saturday night.
He arrives to pick her up and meets her father, who is about 6’6
and 260lbs who informs him to be good to his little girl. They
go to a drive-in and see a R rated movie and the guy gets pretty
worked up but her being the way she was he does nothing except a
lot of kissing.
On the way home she says she was surprised that he has not tried
anything, and that she was horny as hell. He asks, “What can we
do with the way you are?” She replies, “Stop at the big oak tree
on the way home and
They stop and she says, “Carry me over to the tree.” He does and
finds two ropes hanging down with loops in the bottoms. She
says, “Put each one of my legs in the rope and we can get
started.” He does and they are there for about two hours before
he takes her home.
On the way home she says, “I just have to tell my dad about what
a great time I had tonight and what a great lover you are!” He
pleads for her not to and thinks he can get her to the door and
be gone before she can do so.
When they arrive at the door her dad opens it when they walk up.
She tells him as soon as the door is opened and the father grabs
the guy by the arm and says, “I want to shake your hand, because
they usually leave her hanging in the tree and I have to go get
her down.”
Milking
What’s the difference between a bull and a cow?
A bull smiles when you milk it.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
mama’s So Fat… Nickname
Yo’ mama is so fat, her nickname is Dammmmnnnn!
DOJ sues Ford Motor Co.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Wednesday, 22 October 1998WASHINGTON — The Justice Department today filed suit against Ford Motor Company, alleging that Ford’s practice of ‘bundling’ radios with its cars was a monopolistic restriction of trade, and an unfair competitive practice against makers of car radios such as Alpine and Pioneer.’We feel that it is wrong for Ford to give away what other companies charge for,’ said Joe Klein, head of the DOJ’s antitrust division. ‘Furthermore, requiring that Ford dealers deliver cars to consumers with radios preinstalled restricts consumer choice.’Justice demanded that Ford immediately cease shipping cars with radios, and that it provide current Ford owners with easy instructions for removing their existing radios. Klein also asked a judge to impose a $1,000,000 per day fine on Ford for each day it failed to comply. ‘Usually, antitrust fines are about $10,000 per day,’ Klein said. Klein called the amount of the requested fine ‘unprecendented’, but then said, ‘Well, you know, what the hell.’
The Crook & The President
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said “Give me all your money!”
Unwilling to do so, the President said, “You can’t do this, I’m the President!” The man then replied,…
“Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!”