Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Author: admin
Jonny get the goods
Little Johnny was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.
The old man said, ‘Whatcha got there, son?’
Johnny said, ‘Got me some chicken wire.’
‘Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son?’ asked the old man.
‘Gonna catch me some chickens,’ said Johnny.
‘You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire,’ said the oldster.
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About half an hour later, Johnny came back passing the old man’s front porch with three chickens entangled in the chicken wire.
The old man was shocked and couldn’t believe his eyes.
A little later Johnny passed the old man’s porch.
‘Whatcha got now, son?’
‘Got me some duct tape.’
‘And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?’ the old man asked.
‘Gonna catch me some ducks.’
‘You can’t catch ducks with duct tape,’ said the old man.
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.
About half an hour later, back comes Johnny with three ducks tangled in the duct tape.
Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.
Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing the old man’s porch.
‘Whatcha got now, son?’ asked the old codger.
‘Got me some pussy willow.’
The old man said, ‘Wait right there while I get my shoes!’
Executives have large staffs….
Executives have large staffs.
The boy and grandpa
A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..
“Hey grandpa, no one’s around can I have some?”
The Grandpa thought a moment then said, “Well, does dick reach your asshole?”
“Umm..no.”
The Grandpa smiled, “then you can’t have one.”
Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, “Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?”
The grandpa replied, “Does your reach dick your asshole?”
The boy frowned, “No.”
“Then you can’t try it.”
The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, “Hey sonny pass one of those over here.”
The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, “That depends, does your dick reach your asshole?”
The Grandpa laughed and said, “Why yes it does.”
To this the boy replied, “Then you can go fuck yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!”
Request before death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.”Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.”Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Yo mama
Yo mama so fat when she went camping she use her panies as a tent.
Good.. Bad.. Worse
Good: You’re having sex.
Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt.
Worse: You liked it.
Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room “studying”
Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room.
Worse: He’s in them.
Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech.
Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting…..
Worse: ……with corrections.
Teachers
the teacher told the student: you should brush your teeth before you come to school.
student: i did…
teacher: i can see what you had in the breakfast.
student: what?
teacher: egg…
student: wrong
“it was yesterday”
Difference between Bill Clinton and a dog
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A dog chases his own tail.
Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars Prequel
The top 10 things we want to hear Samuel L. Jackson, “Jedi Master Mace
Windu,” say in the Star Wars Prequel.*
*Note: In case you didn’t know, Samuel L. Jackson will be in the first
prequel as the above character.
10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t
the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause even
if it did I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have
to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room… accept no
substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I
ain’t got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. What ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie’s got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a
Wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, “Bad Mother Fucker.”
The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
15> Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.
14> Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
13> Uranium-236 not included.
12> As with real appliances, this thing *will* burn your careless ass.
11> Some dismemberment may occur.
10> Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
9> Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
8> No disrespect intended.
7> Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
6> Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
5> NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
4> Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
3> Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
2> Caution: “Mack Daddy Ken” is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
1> Do not place Captain Viagra within 5″-7″ of an open flame.