It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he’s right.
Author: admin
Hubo un concurso para seleccionar
Hubo un concurso para seleccionar a quien tuviera el pene m�s largo del mundo,
Los organizadores seleccionaron como tercer lugar a un Noruego con 35 cms, segundo lugar a un camerun�s con 65 cms y en primer�simo lugar a un cubano con 80 cms,
De repente les llega una notificaci�n por fax, de que el hombre con el pene m�s largo se llama Juan y que vive en un peque�o poblado en M�xico, y que si quer�an verlo ten�an que ir a buscarlo.
Entonces env�an una expedici�n al lugar se�alado, y despu�s de un largo y cansado viaje localizan al peque�o poblado.
Localizan al tipo que buscaban, estaba bajando limones de un �rbol, �ni mas ni menos que con el pene!
De inmediato le preguntan con gran admiraci�n:
“Usted debe ser Juan �verdad?”
“No, yo me llamo Pedro, mi hermano Juan anda bajando cocos…”
Little Johnny’s Lessson
One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was.
First she said to the children “I have something long and yellow behind my back.” The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said “no, i’m holding a bannana, but I like you all’s imagination.
Next she said” I have something round and red”. Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny’s imagination.
Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, “I have something in my pocket that’s warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal’s office for being soo dirty minded.
Little Johnny then said,” No, Ms. Nelson, it’s a quarter, but I LIKE YOU’RE IMAGINATION!!!
Q: How many [cricket]
Q: How many [cricket] Test Match Special commentators does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Four. One to change it, one to eat the lovely chocolate cake sent in by the Bournemouth Womens Institute, one to say “Now when was the last time we had to change a light bulb on-air – wasn’t it 1989 at Lords ?” and one to comment on the lovely red bus going down the Oxford Road.
Bouncing Baby
A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.
“Here’s your baby, maam” says the doctor.
The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.
Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, “My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!”
The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, “April Fools!!!
He was already dead!”
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital….
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She
said, “Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I’d
like to talk with the person who gives the
information about the patients. But I don’t want
to know if the patient is better or doing like
expected, or worse, I want all the information
from top to bottom, from A to Z.”
The voice on the other end of the line said,
“Would you hold the line, please, that’s a very
unusual request.”
Then a very authoritative voice came on and
said, “Are you the lady who is calling about
one of the patients?”
She said, “Yes, darling! I’d like to know the
information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”
He said, “Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg,
Farber–Finkel. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her
blood pressure is fine, and if she continues
this way, her doctor is going to send her home
Tuesday at twelve o’clock.”
The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful!
She’s going home at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy
to hear that. That’s wonderful news.”
The guy on the other end said, “From your
enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the
close family.”
She said, “What close family? I’m Sarah Finkel!
My doctor don’t tell me nothing!”
Hillbillies
How do you castrate a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the mouth!
Blonde Miracle Diet
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she’d indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
Yellow dress
your momma so fat that she wore a yellow dress to the airport,she stepped on a piece of paper and bent down to pick it up and someone yelled yo taxi!
Hung
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!”
To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”
Ladies vs. Real Women
Ladies – If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
Real Women – If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”
Ladies – Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women – Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies – Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women – Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies – To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women – Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies – When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women – Go to the bakery – they’ll even decorate it for you.
Ladies – Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women – Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t do it.
Ladies – If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women – Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip!…..
Ladies – Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women – Leftover wine??
50th Anniversary
A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary. A reported asked, “Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?”
“Well,” the old-timer told him, “when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block.
You’d be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your health!”