Yours Fun Portal !
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 2000 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
10.
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
A blonde parade.
Did u here about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?
People say he was half nuts!
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children’s soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn’t be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside.
I also explained to my son that he shouldn’t mention anything about his father’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
“Yes,” he replied, “she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don’t worry. I told her I didn’t know.”
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
10. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair anymore.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?A: Divorced.
yo mama! is so stupid she though taco bell was a phone company…..
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
”Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill replied, ”well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter said, ”I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
”Fine, but where should I go first?”
”I’ll leave that up to you.”
”Okay then,” said Bill, ”Let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
”This is great!” he told St. Peter. ”If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”
”Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
”Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
”Fine,” retorted St. Peter, ”as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
”How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ”This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???”
”That was the demo,” replied St. Peter.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
America’s Longest River By: Misses Hippy
Artificial Clothing By: Polly Ester
Breaking the Law By: Kermit A. Krime
Broken Beds By: Squeak E. Springs
The Color of Eggs By: Summer Brown
Danger! By: Luke Out
Don’t Hurt Me! By: I. Bruce Easley
Downpour! By: Wayne Dwops
Errors and Accidents By: Miss Takes and Miss Haps
The Fall of a Watermelon By: S. Platt
Falling Trees By: Tim Burr
French Overpopulation By: Francis Crowded
History of Texas By: Al E. Moe
Hours in the Bathroom By: R. U. Dunnyett
House Construction By: Bill Jerome Holme
How to Be Organized By: Miss Place
How to Groom Your Yard By: Ray Cleaves
I Didn’t Do It! By: Ivan Alibi
I Don’t Get It By: Anita Clew
I Love Crowds By: Morris Merrier
I Need Insurance By: Justin Case
I’ll Do It Soon By: Will B. Dunn
The Lion Attacked By: Claudia Armoff
Mineralogy for Giants By: Chris Tall
No Appreciation For Art By: Drew Lousy
Old Furniture By: Anne Teak
The Past to the Distant Future By: I. C. All
Ripping Pants By: Ben Dover
Rusty bed springs By: I.P. Nightly
Snakes of the World By: Anna Conda
Under the bleachers By: Seymore Butts
Where the Stars Are By: Horace Cope
Why Don’t Chickens Bark? By: U. R. Stupid and I. M. Stupid
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.
He left her a note saying:
“Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
“Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”