“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.””That’s a shame.”said his friend , “How did it happen?””She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
Author: admin
Behold I Cometh!
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.
He started out with a quote, “Behold, I cometh…..” but he couldn’t remember the rest of it.
So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again… “Behold I cometh…” but he still couldn’t remember.
So he rears back and shouts again, “Behold I cometh! …” but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!
He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered…
“It isn’t your fault sonny – you told me you were coming three times… I should have moved!”
Nudist colony
An old man, Arthur, is in his 50’s and he has decided to join up
2 a nudist colony. He’s walking in past reception in his
birthday suit and cap and he see’s the most beautiful woman with
a perfect female figure and beautiful breasts, then his old
fella does his salute. Arthur is left blushing and the woman
asks him “excuse me sir are you new?” to which Arthur replies
“why yes I am.” The lady told him that if he got an erection
that they would have 2 have sex, so after having sex with the
woman Arthur thought that this was the best place on earth.
A few minutes later he’s in the steam room when he farts, hoping
that noone heard him but as he turned he saw a man who came over
to him and asked “excuse me sir did u just fart?” to which
Arthur replied “why yes I did.” Before he knew it Arthur was on
the ground and being fucked up the ass by this big guy. Arthur
is disgusted and walks 2 the front guest, the receptionist asks
“what can I help you with sir?” Arthur tells her that if that’s
what happens on a daily basis then forget it. I’m old I can only
get it up 3 times a day while I fart at least 15 times a day.
Winking Man
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
Jesus and Mohammed and the Compitition
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious
leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest
was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for
the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final
test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines,
classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible
speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on
their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be
finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a
moment it came back on – just in time for the clock to announce that the
last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.
Mohammed angrily said that he’d lost it all in the power outage. The
judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a
dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the
judge
was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.
When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique
characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
Jesus saves.
He also backup’ed to CD. That is, “Once saved, always saved!”
Cherry Potty
A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy ‘fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how! “Wait, dad! What’s going on? I told you the truth!””Yes, you did. But George Washington’s dad wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”
Milking The Cows
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says ” it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.”
The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have a bull!”
Two Irish homosexuals
Q. What do you call two Irish homosexuals
A. Gerald Fits Patrick and Patrick Fits Gerald?
After teh 92 year old’s physuical…
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
100 Percent Polar Bear
One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, “Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?”
His father replied, “Sure son, you’re full blooded.”
The young bear asked, “Are you positive that I’m 100% polar bear, Dad?”
“Yes, son, I’m sure. Your mother’s a polar bear, I’m a polar bear…”
“But Dad, are you sure there’s not a little brown bear in me?”
“Yes son, I’m sure.”
“Are you really sure, Dad, that there’s not just a little black bear in me?”
“Yes, son, you’re all polar bear.”
“Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?”
“No way, son, no way,” replied the papa bear. “Why are you asking these questions?”
The little polar bear replied, “Because, Dad, I’m freezing my tail off out here!”
Un hombre de negocios muy
Un hombre de negocios muy bien vestido entra a un bar a tomarse un martini cuando ve a un pobre hombre que parece muy preocupado sentado en la barra. El tipo est� muy ensimismado murmurando por lo bajo y estudiando con gran curiosidad algo que tiene en la mano… El hombre de negocios se acerca y le pregunta qu� sucede, ante lo cual, el borracho levanta el objeto a la luz y dice:
“Bueno, parece un pl�stico, pero se siente como si fuese goma…”
El tipo, con gran curiosidad le pregunta:
“�Qu� es lo que tiene en la mano, buen hombre?”
“No s�, se ve como pl�stico pero se siente como si fuese goma, no s�…”
“Perm�tame analizarlo”, dice el hombre de negocios.
El borracho lo extiende sobre la mano del gentil caballero, el cual exclama:
“Ciertamente se ve como pl�stico y se siente como goma, pero no tengo la menor idea de qu� pueda ser…. �de d�nde lo sac�?”
Y el borracho responde:
“De mi nariz…”
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It’s…
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It’s too crowded.