A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks “what are you doing?” Indian says” Me tellum time.” Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says “You telling time?” yup” “how can you tell time like that?” Indian says “workum like sundial, readum shadow”. Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says “let me guess, you’re telling time too.” Indian says ” Nope. But me windum clock!”
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In a perfect world…
*25 Things a Wife would say in a “perfect world!*
1) I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste! 2) Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink? 3) I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy! 4) Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) You’re so sexy when you’re hungover. 8) I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Let’s subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, let’s go to the mall so you can check out women’s asses. 12) I’ll be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, I’ll take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor…forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year for christ’s sake, you go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again… come on let’s go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us–why don’t you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or
8. 23) You need your sleep…stop getting up for the baby’s night feedings. 24) If I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!
I feel like Chicken Tonight
Why did George Bush cross the road?
Beause his penis was stuck in the chicken!
Sleeping together
A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two
biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to
visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not
getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that
they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a
visit.
�Is anything funny going on here�? He asked.
�What do you mean by that?� the pair asked back.
“I mean, you�re not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe
doing something you�re not supposed to do?�
�Absolutely not!� the Jim replied. � We are strictly co-workers�
�Oh yes,� the Sarah replied, � We hike all day, record our data, return back,
and fall asleep exhausted.
�That�s right!� Jim replied, �And me in my tent, and she in hers!�
The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in the field with the pair.
He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the
area.
The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit. They
searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from
their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had
taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him
on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken
the unit.
�As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were
sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the
field, I placed it in Sarah�s sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!�
Ventriloquist
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer.
When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer.
When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, “PLAY”.
The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse.
He set this mouse on top of the piano and said “SING”.
The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some ‘oldies but goodies’, then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had.
After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500.
The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk “You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!”
The drunk laughed heartily and replied “I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?”
The bartender responded “What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!”
“The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend “, chuckled the drunk. “That mouse can’t sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!”
Never write a note or
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you’re ready.Don’t sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don’t feel left out.The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else’s desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they’re busy.The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It’s your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a “Do No Disturb” sign. When other people use them they’re only joking.Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you’ve got something to hide.If the phone isn’t answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.Never divert calls if you’re leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you’re still there.If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
What We Have All Learned from Cartoons
What we have learned from cartoons:
1. You will only fall off the cliff, building, ect… if you
look down and notice that there is no longer anything but air
beneath your feet.
2. When you get wacked on the head you can see little blue
birdies or if your really lucky, stars!
3. If a safe falls on your head, don’t worry you can just open
the door to that safe and walk out.
4. There is only one company : Acme.
5. Dynamite will ALWAYS be bright red and labled.
6. If you need to get to the other side of a wall you can just
paint a door and then walk through it.
7. If someone has already done the above, BEWARE, it will not
work for you! Can you say pain?
8. You will always know when someone gets an idea by watching
for the lightbulb that will apear over their head if this
occurs. Note if the person is stupid a candle will replace the
lightbulb.
9. You are immortal. No matter how many times a piano, safe,
anvil ect… has dropped on your head you will stagger away
unharmed. The same goes for falling from high places.
10. The rabbit, roadrunner ect… will ALWAYS win.
Runaway Wife
A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, “I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.”
His buddy asks, “Oh? Why do you wonder about that?”
To which he replies, “Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!”
I had to get the tailgate open
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head in a truck. The brunette and
the red head were in the cab and the blond was in the back. The truck goes off
the cliff and into the water. The brunette and the red head go up to the
surface. They wait about 5 minutes and finally the see bubbles and then the
blonde. Hey asked the other two girls, what took you so long? She said I had to
get the tailgate open.
Speed limit
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….Cop :
“Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?”
Blonde : “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.”
Cop : “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway
you’re on!”Blonde : “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more
careful from now on.”
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the
passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop : “Excuse me miss, what’s wrong
with your friends back there? They’re shaking something awful.”
Blonde : “Oh… We just got off of highway 119”.
The New Viagra Product Line
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be determined: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”
Yo mommas so dumb……
Yo mommas so dumb she got hit by a parked car