Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, two, three… Mummy! can I use my toes?
Author: admin
The Top 15 Ways We Stick It to The Man
15> Wiping snot on the elevator door at the city hall.14> Throwing out the vitamins and eating the silica gel packs.13> Giggling at The Man’s sissy clothes while he’s playing golf.12> Drinking milk straight from the carton *way* past the expiration date.11> When someone else complains about the government, saying, Damn right! using our best Isaac Hayes impression.10> Using a really pointy knitting needle.9> Dotting the i’s on our income tax payments with frowny faces.8> Flashing our own breasts at the TV during Super Bowl halftime.7> In through the out door, baby!6> Claiming yet another loss from our TopFive business on this year’s tax return.5> By taking advantage of the free buffet lunch at the topless club — even though we’re still spending over $100.4> Working from home whenever the cats seem troubled.3> Sticking our head out the car window and laughing maniacally while driving double the posted speed limit in the underground parking garage.2> Eschewing the food pyramid and eating according to the snack rhombus.1> Refusing to be duped into becoming a docile herd of mindless consumers who– hey, pull over! McDonald’s! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Making the most of your IT department
From the Geek:
1. When IT say they’re coming right over, log out and go for
coffee. It’s no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures,
stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s
art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch
a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We’re probably just testing out the public groups.
4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond
immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to
think about fixing computers.
5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside
having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why
we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users
who don’t have email or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it
up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a helpdesk engineer’s direct line rather than
the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he’s
on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24
hours before you send an email straight to the director because
no one ever returned your call. You’re entitled to common
courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support.
There’s electronics in it, right?
9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the
helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair
in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the
problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you
through changing a setting; read the paper. We don’t actually
mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t
bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for
no reason.
14. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the
job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to
work.
15. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel
free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself
and your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime when we
have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to
one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when
slightly dizzy .
18. Don’t ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you’ve installed
any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business
what you’ve got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of
your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse
cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top
of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on
the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a
pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of
Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying “Are you sure?” click on
that ‘Yes’ button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure,
you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing
about that computer crap”. It never bothers us to hear our area
of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the
helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex
task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only
by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear
physics.
25. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of
having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything
about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as
a high-priority mail attachment. We’ve got plenty of disk space
and processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to
squeeze into the queue.
28. When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at
the supermarket on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come
in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer.
We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0
makes your Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for
free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so
your son can get back to playing DOOM. We’ll get right on it
because we have so much free time at the office.
Letters to a landlord
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlordsThe toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
Uncommon Perversions
A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She’s sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she’s very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.
“What sort of perversion are you talking about?” asks the doctor.
“Well,” said the woman, “I like to be… Ohh… Ah… Ummm… I’m sorry doctor, but I’m too ashamed to talk about it.”
“Come, come, my dear. I’m a doctor you know; I’ve been trained to understand these problems. So what’s the matter…?”
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.
“Look,” he said, “I’m a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I’ll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?”
The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, “Well my perversion is… My perversion… Oh… I like to be kissed on the bottom!”
“Shit, is that ALL!” said the doctor. “Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I’ll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!”
So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, “Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.”
Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. “Hey!” shouted the woman, “I thought you said you were a pervert?”
“Oh I am,” said the doctor, “I’ve just shit in your handbag!”
If flattery gets you nowhere,
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
Don’t blame me; nobody asked
Don’t blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Head and Shoulders
There’s this blond and this brunette. And they’re in an elevator. And this hot guy walks into the elevator, and the women are like “Woo-hoo, that guy is fine” and “Mmm…he’s got a nice butt”, and stuff like that.
Then they notice that he has dandruff.
When he gets off of the elevator, the women burst out laughing.
The brunette, giggles and says: “Oh, man, someone should give him head and shoulders.”
And the blond, confused, says: “Really? Well, how do you give someone shoulders?”
Head From A Duck
This guy just got fired and was feeling very down-and-out. He
was walking down the street when he noticed a whore house he had
never seen before. So he decided to do something fun for
himself. He walked inside, went strait to the front desk,
slapped the $200 he had left in his wallet down, and said, “Give
the best thing you’ve got”
“Well,” said the clerk, “the best thing we got is right over
there, behind that door. You go in there and you’ll see a duck,
and it gives the greatest head you’ve ever gotten, guarunteed. I
got a petition back here signed by some guys who’ve had it
saying it is.”
This seemed strange, but the guy was so depressed he would’ve
tried anything. When he got inside it was all black, except for
one light shining on a duck walking towards him. The duck
proceeded to give the man the best head he had ever had in his
entire life.
The next day the guy was feeling one-hundered percent better
from the day before. He was giving smiles to everyone, and
occasionally just hugged a complete stranger. He went to the
bank and took out two hundred dollars. Then he went back to the
whore house and said, “I’d like to sign that petition about the
duck please.” When he was done with that he asked the clerk,
“Could I get head from the duck again?”
“Well,” the clerk said, “the duck’s off for today, but what i
can do for, for another $200, is send you into that room over
there where you can watch a guy get fucked by a dog.”
The man thought for a minute, then decided that if duck was
good, this had to be good as well. He payed the clerk and went
into the room. Inside there were about 7 other guys sitting and
waiting. He sat down next to a big fat guy with a red face. The
a light came on and there was a dog fucking a man inside a
little room. It was the most hillarious thing he had ever seen.
He sat there laughing with the other guys until, finaly, it was
over.
As they got up to leave the guy turned to the red-faced man and
said, “That was great. The best show I’ve ever seen.”
The red faced guy turned to him and said, “Ahhh, you should’ve
been here yesterday….some guy got head from a duck.”
Bad dog
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point, started going on the mans leg.
As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied “Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I know what end to kick.”
Washing Machine
What is the difference between a washing machine and a sorority girl?
You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won’t follow you around for three weeks.
Museum Funny!
Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?
A: I want my mummy!