Lay Down the Rules!

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

Two Whores

Two whores were talking shop…

“Why is it,” asked Sharon, “that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?”

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little trick,” said Tracy. “What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he’s just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!”

“I’ll give that a try,” says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

“You’ve just broken my virginity!” said Sharon.

“Screw that,” said the punter. “My balls have just flown out of the window!”

Animals

One day a boy was getting ready for school. He fell asleep in
his uniform and his pet cat pissed on him. He couldn’t change
his shirt because his mom told him to go. As he was walking to
school a squirrel jumped on him and left red stuff on his back.
Then in crawled in his pants and bit his nuts off.Then it ran
away with his nuts. Then he picked up a slug and it pooped on
him. Everyone found out he got raped by a squirrel. And it had a
period on him. And after school a dog pooped on his shoe.

Bill & Hilary’s 40th Anniversary

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never once looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Whenever the box fills with empties, I cash them in.”

Elephant Jack

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting
my penis erected. Can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the
problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your
penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you,
except, if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctor
explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk
of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.” Jack thinks
about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through
life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for
it.” A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green
light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic
evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure
Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and
then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly
smile, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

Jack replied with his eyes watering, “Well, I guess so, but I
don’t think I can fit another roll in my ass.”

Doing it on the lawn

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin’ at it on a lawn. One guy, who’s married, looks at the other and says, “Jeez, I’d give anything to do it to my wife like that.” The other, a single guy, says, “Heck, that’s easy. Just feed her three martinis.”

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, “Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?” The married guy replies, “Yes, but it took SIX martinis.”

The single guy exclaims, “SIX martinis! How come so many?”

The husband replies, “Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn.”

Help from Canada…

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:
– 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
– 600 GROUND TROOPS,
– 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
– 2 CANOES,
– 6 MOUNTIES,
– AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

Una anciana nonagenaria entra temblando

Una anciana nonagenaria entra temblando a un sex-shop y con una sonrisa toda dulzura se dirige al encargado:

“�Aqu�-aqu� ve-venden los los con-sola-doress Ultra-aa 2002 de 7 v-velo-cidades, su-super po-potencia y cam-cambios, con te-tecnolog-��aaa ja-ja-japonesa de �ltima ge-ge-nera-a-ci�n a pilas y gra-gra-duales?”

“S�, se�ora, �quiere que le muestre uno?”, responde amable el vendedor.

“Nooo, nooo. �Me pue-eeeede de-decir c�-c�-mo se apa-apagaaaa?”

Tyson Complaints

Top Ten Mike Tyson Complaints About Television

10. When you try to fondle women you see on TV, you bust the screen.

9. Lack of violence on most shows sends wrong message to kids.

8. Why doesn’t the Skipper ever bite off Gilligan’s ear?

7. If you see commercial for something on TV and yell, “I want that!” it doesn’t instantly materialize before you.

6. CBS rejected his idea for new show: “Cold Cocked By An Angel.”

5. “Martha Stewart Living” is only an hour long.

4. This guy (video clip of “Rent-A-Friend” guy from Dave’s Video Collection).

3. “Hollywood Squares” is back on TV and my phone has not rung once.

2. I’m told I can “Win Ben Stein’s Money” when I’d much prefer to “Kick Ben Stein’s Ass.”

1. Thought “Beverly Hills 90210” was the name of new female inmate.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis