What do you have when you have one green ball in your right hand and one
green ball in your left hand?
Kermit the Frog’s full attention.
Author: admin
A man’s sex life
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!
What’s better than a dozen roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Fireworks
Why did the firework go off?
I dont know, why?
Because someone lit the fuse! DUH!
Monica’s Diary
Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I’m so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House…. and I don’t
know a thing about medicine. Don’t even know what my duties are yet, but I hope
it’s a “hands on” position. Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You won’t believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking.
But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and
was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, “You must
be the new intern.” That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and
asked me to find them. Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like
they’re going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I
still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me “1-900 Monica.” (That
means he thinks I’m one in nine hundred. That’s pretty special.) Entry 6
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She’s really cool except
for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word “conditioner?” She looks like
Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever
we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I’ve been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan
is my new best friend. I’m going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones’ case. What is she
talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way
cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10
Dear Diary,
I’ve had it. I’m never going to be an intern again. I’m going back to
Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope
Spielberg will direct.
Believe it or not :o
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(this is for the footballers)
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t
wear pants
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (owww, why???)
No word in the English language rhymes with month
On average, people fear public speaking more than death.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
(and we know that because…)
The electric chair was invented by a dentist ( Ok, and I thought
the drill was bad)
The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to
remember the word you want.
You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath
A Marine colonel on his way
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt
in traffic and thought to himself, ”Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.
Nothing’s even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars
so he rolls down his window and asks, ”Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold
up?”
The Officer replies, ”The President is just so depressed about the
Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s
threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his
family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m
walking around taking up a collection for him.”
”Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”
”So far only about three hundred gallons, but I’ve got a lot of folks still
siphoning!”
Ouch!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”
GRAVITY KILLSA 22-year-old
GRAVITY KILLSA 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground.” Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma”. An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
A Stupid Mum
KID: Mummy,mummy can I lick the bowl
MUM: No dear, you have to flush like everyone else
She’s much better
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the
team’s cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, “You
are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite
woman? She is no bigger than your hand.”
“That’s right, Coach,” replied the lineman. “But, she’s much better!”
Dogs ‘n Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs.
I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?