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Sobriety Test

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This man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire.

A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help.

The man says he’s doing OK and doesn’t need help.

The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure everything is OK.

He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the passenger seat.

When he asks about the knife, the man says it’s his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus.

The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his routine.

Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by. The driver says to his passenger, “Man … I am glad I stopped drinking when I did.

It’s amazing what they make them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks!”

Diary of a Sucessful New Bride/Cook

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Dear Diary,

Monday

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing”. So I didn’t dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice”. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday

Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday

Today Bill’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Monday

I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, “mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.” I just won’t bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

Love, PAM

Two drunks

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Two men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”

The other replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me.”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend. “So what did she say?” he asks.

“She said she’s conctipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”

Golfing dog

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A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf.

The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.

Amazed, the friend says, �Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?�

�Somersaults,� the man says.

�Somersaults?� the friend asks. �That�s incredible. How many does he do?�

�It all depends on how hard I kick him.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Leftover Gifts

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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them
between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he
had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a
very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able
to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh
please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When
I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand
there and let it fly. It’d be so cool. I could write my name in the
sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me
stand and pee, oh please……” On and on he went like an excited
little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam
really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be
the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t
mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given
the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a
vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the
while. And it was good.

Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What’s
left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…..”

Three little boys had been to the zoo on a…

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Three little boys had been to the zoo on a field trip and were discussing
which animal was the meanest.

The first selected a Tiger because the Tiger has sharp claws and large
teeth.

The second selected an Aligator because it had more teeth than a Tiger and
it could drag you into the water and drown you.

The third child selected the Aliger, which her explained, had a Tiger’s
head on one end and an Aligator’s head on the other which made him twice
as mean.

“Wait”, said the first little boy, “If he has a Tiger head on one end and
an Aligator head on the other, how does he take a shit?”

“He doesn’t”, said the third little boy, “that’s what makes him so
mean!”