Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing ?
Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening !
Author: admin
Little Catherine had justed turned five, so…
Little Catherine had justed turned five, so her mother decided to
learn her about the facts of life. So one day Catherine asked how
babies were made. Her mother then said that to make babies Catherine’s
father must first place his penis in Catherine’s mother’s vagina.
“Oh,” said Catherine, “last night as I went to the bathroom you
had daddy’s penis in your mouth. Did you make any babies that
way?”
“No,” answered her mother, “that’s how mommy gets her jewelry…..”
The 2000 Darwin
The 2000 Darwin awards!First Runner Up Award goes to …(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. “Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything,” the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
Black and Blue
What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black
and blue?
A nun falling down the stairs.
How to Be Popular
question: How can u be popular?
answer: Dont be a looser
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marmalade!Marmalade who?Marmalade me
Knock KnockWho’s there?Marmalade!Marmalade who?Marmalade me said the little chicken!
Really Important Stuff my Children have Taught Me
- It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
- If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
- Ask why until you understand.
- Hang on tight.
- Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
- Make up the rules as you go along.
- It doesn’t matter who started it.
- Ask for sprinkles.
- If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
- Save a place in line for your friends.
- Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
- If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
- Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
- Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
- Making your bed is a waste of time.
- There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
- Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
- You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down
- You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game
The “LIGHT” By Bobby Woolsey
What does a baby say befor its born?
“THERES A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL”
Difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn’t give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Blonde and Genie
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for
many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They
rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could
only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each
would get one wish. The redhead went first. ”I hate it here. It
is too hot and boring. I want to go home!” ”Okay,” replied
the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ”I miss my
family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!” And
off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ”I wish my
friends were back here!”
More Lawyer Jokes
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.
Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.
What’s the definition of “a shame” (as in, “that’s a shame”)?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
When there was an empty seat.
How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
Computer Sayings
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won’t bother you for weeks.