Author: admin

Michael Jackson was arrested again yesterday.

According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is 5’11 and only weighs 120 pounds.

Michael is able to keep his weight down because he only orders off the children’s menu. —Conan O’Brien

1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus, me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don’t shake hands, Christians gotten hug.
9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says “Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the
hungry,” how about dinner?
14) You don’t have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my
heart and wait on hand and foot?
18) Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? I mean “do.”
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21) Excuse me; I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you; he said that you are a really
nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that’s his name.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated
a Christian.
24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
25) What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, “Hello?”

I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass” and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He would
answer and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. “Hello?”

I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our
new caller ID program.” He answered, “No!” and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because
you’re a jackass!”

The reason I’m taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there’s ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn’t think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, “You can’t do that, buddy! I was here
first!”

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, “You’re a
jackass!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, “Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home in the evenings.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don’s number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn’t as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” But I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He said, “Stop calling me.”

I said, “No!”

He said, “What’s your name, pal?”

I said, “Don Hansen.”

He said, “Where do you live?”

“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front.”

“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your
prayers.”

“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, “Hello.”

I said, “Hello, jackass!”

He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll kick your butt.”

“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, jackass!”

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!