Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.
She told him – “Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they’re
18.”
Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!
Author: admin
If you cannot fix it,
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lincoln!Lincoln who?Lincoln logs!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lincoln!Lincoln who?Lincoln logs!
Blonde Vs St. Peter
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.”Welcome!” he says. “Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.””Okay,” says the blonde.”Here’s your question: name two days of the weekthat begin with the letter T.””That’s easy. Today and tomorrow!””Well, that’s not the answer I was thinking of, but I’ll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?””That’s easy. Twelve!””Twelve?””January second, February second, March second — “”Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Well, Okay. I’ll give you one more chance. What’s God’s name?””That’s easy. Ollie !””Ollie ?””You know — ‘Our Father, who art in heaven, Ollie be thy name…
Blonde & the Coke Machine
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. “Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?”
The blonde turns around and says, “Yeah right! I’m not giving up this machine while I’m still winning!”
Golf Lessons
A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, “You’ve got to hold the club like you hold your husband’s organ.”
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, “Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we’ll go for distance.”
Philosophic Anecdotes
An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at
Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. “You
will note,” said the stuffy Oxford scholar, “that in the English language, two
negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can
mean a negative.” To which someone in the back responded, “yeah, yeah.”
Great game of golf
John and his friend George go golfing together one Saturday morning, as they have done for 24 years straight. Yes, you might say these guys were fanatics about their golfing.Later that day, John returns home exhausted, and plops down in the easy chair. His wife is concerned and asks if something went wrong with his game.”No, no,” he replied, “I had the best game I had in years! As a matter of fact, I started out the first three holes at 4 under par, including a hole-in-two on the 3rd.””So why are you so beat?” his wife asked.”Well, George had a heart attack and died on the 4th hole,” he said.”What?!? And you’re so exhausted from trying to save him, huh?””No, It was very quick and there was nothing anyone could’ve done. But after that, it was just hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George…”
Getting a Vasectomy
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkups. Is there anything that you’d like to ask me?””Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.””That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?””Yeah, and they’re in favour 15 to 2.”
Love thy teacher
A boy comes home from school one day and excitedly tells his father, �Guess what? I had sex with my teacher today!�
The father smiles and says, �I�m proud of you, son.
You�re a bit young, but the day a man loses his virginity is a day to celebrate.
I�ll take you out for a fancy dinner, then I�ll buy you a new bicycle!�
�Dinner sounds great, Dad,� the son replies, �but can we hold off on the bike?
My butt is still a little sore.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Whore House
One day a man walked into a Whore House and told the woman
behind the counter he wanted to eat pussy since he’s never done
it before. She told the man to go down the hall to room 5. So he
went to room 5 and he saw a beautiful woman inside, he walked in
and started eating her pussy. After a while some corn came out
of it, but since it was his first time he thought it was normal
and just kept going. Soon after that a half eaten carrot came
out. Now he was a little worried but he just kept going. Then
a few minutes later a big piece of beef came out.
So then he asked the woman “Are you sick or something?”
The woman replied “No but the guy before you was.”
Bragging
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied.
“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis