Yours Fun Portal !
Way back in the country one morning, Papa Mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said, “What a beautiful morning! I think I smell sauage and pancakes!”
Mama mole sticks her head out of the mole hole and said “I agree with you Papa, it is a truly nice morning. And, I smell maple syrup too.”
Baby mole could not get his little head out of the mole hole and all he could smell was molasses!
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
She fell in love…and broke it!!!
She has to put on her belt with a boomerang!
I have to take a train, a plane, and 2 buses to get on her good side!
A picture of her fell off the wall!
Her tailor takes her measurements in light years!
Her picture takes two frames!
Her favorite blouse is a tent!
Her driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”
When she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the “Thank You, Come Again.”
Even her shadow has stretch marks!
When she gets on the scale it says “To be continued.!�
Her blood type is rocky-road!
One day when she got in a fight and the person fighting her got lost in her!
She could sell shade!
She DJ’s for the ice cream truck!
She eats cereal out of a satellite dish!
She has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other!
She has to iron her pants on the driveway!
After she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week!
When she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton!
When the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn’t identify them!
When the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted, she said the one on the roof!
She sweats Crisco!
She uses bacon for Band-aids!
When she goes to the drycleaners and hands in her underwear they say “sorry no parachutes accepted!”
What if she weighed 5 more pounds she could get group insurance!
When she went to the Rose Parade everyone thought she was a float!
When she wears heels, they’re flats by the afternoon!
When she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across the great lakes!
When she wears a yellow raincoat, people run after her and call “Taxi!”
When she wears a yellow raincoat, kids line up behind her thinking she’s the school bus!
When she wears a red dress kids yell “Hey Kool-Aid Man!”
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 7 years to live!
When she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
She cut her leg and gravy dripped out!
She can lay down or stand up and her height doesn’t change!
One day she was cleaning out her rolls and a car fell out!
NASA orbits satellites around her!
On a scale of 1 to 10, she’s a 747!
I’ve got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass!
I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he said he’d seen her too!
I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8!
I ran around her twice and got lost!
She got hit by a truck and asked “Who threw that rock?”
She goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says “Okay.”
She fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
She fell off a boat and the captain yelled “Land Ho!”
I gotta take 3 steps back just to see all of her!
Her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters!
Her belly jiggle is the first ever, perpetual motion machine!
Her belt size is the equator!
Even God couldn’t raise her spirits!
Even Richard Simmons laughs at her!
Every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil!
Her car is made of spandex!
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
Her college graduation picture was an aerial!
All of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor!
Her skates went flat!
She has to use sleeping bags for tube socks!
She jumped for joy and got stuck!
She jumped up in the air and got stuck!
She looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
She looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids!
She made weight watchers go blind!
She makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic!
She pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
She puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
She don’t know whether she’s walking or rolling!
At the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts!
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
When she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!
When she walks across the living room, the radio skips!
When she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to haul her back into the ocean!
You can pinch an inch on her forehead!
When she travels, she’s gotta make two trips!
When she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet!
When she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!
When she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don’t show!
You can’t even see her legs, it just looks like she’s gliding across the floor!
When she steps on a scale, it says “One at a time, please.”
When she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled “Hey! Stop that Twinkie.”
When she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower!
When she runs she makes the CD player skip… at the radio station!
When she ordered a “My Size Meal” at McDonald’s they gave her the key to the store!
When she hauls ass, she has friends come help!
When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
When she ordered a “My Size Meal” at McDonald’s they gave her a dinosaur!
When she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks “Where can I try that on?”
When she goes to the beach, little kids yell “Free Willy, Free Willy.”
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate!
When she gets in an elevator, it has to go down!
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. ”Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gunbelt and boots?” ”Well Sheriff,it’s a long story.” ”I ain’t going nowhere,” said the Sheriff. ”Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did. He continued, ”We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town!’ And, here I am Sheriff!”
Your mama is so mean. For punishment she farts in a room and locks her
kids in.
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two–one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
How to talk about men and still be politically correct
1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
8. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
9. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
10. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
11. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
12. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
13. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
14. He doesn’t have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
15. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
your mamma is so fat she uses the equator as a belt.
Major League Baseball said Thursday all players will be tested for steroids next year. The drug increases muscle, shrinks testicles and enlarges male breast size.
The commissioner had to do something before Barry Bonds breaks Dolly Parton’s record.
A sign found posted outside a steakhouse: (picture of a pig) (picture of a cow) suspects wanted dead or medium rare