A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt. She touched her callf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.”Thats why!!!!!!!!” “Your finger is broken!”
Author: admin
Florida slogans
New state slogan’s for Florida
FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us!
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Feels like a fanny
Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss out of each other are in a
bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other’s bald head.
“Good God! This feels just like my wife’s ass!” The man whose head it is runs
his hand over it, too.
“So it does! So it does!”
Tip
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player says, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?”
The dealer replies, “When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?”
“Yes,” the gambler concedes.
“Well then, he serves you food; whether it’s good or bad isn’t up to him. By the same token, I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.”
“OK,” says the gambler, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an 8.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Why it is hard sometimes to call in sick
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained A head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. ‘Ed!’ she hearkened, ‘The garbage disposal is dead.Come reset it.’ ‘You know where the button is.’ I protested through the showers (pitter-patter). ‘Reset it yourself!’ ‘I am scared!’ She pleaded. ‘What if it starts going and sucks me in?’ .. .. . .Pause. . . . . ‘C’mon, it’ll only take a second.’ No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself Will calm the fears of a person who suffers from ‘Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,’ a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Benson Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (‘Buttons’ aka ‘the Grater’) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight’ syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option.Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. ‘What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?’If they had only known.
Manners
Tere are 3 teenagers Named Fucku Shit and Manners. they r driving down a street one day and Shit falls out! So fucku went to get the paramedics. The paramedic says whats your name son Fucku whats your name son Fucku the paramedic says wheres your manners down the steet picking up shit.
Worst Disease
A man picks up a woman at bar and takes her home for sex. After
pumping away for a long time, the woman cries, “I need more, I
need more!”
The man wondering what to do decides to use his fist to fuck the
woman. So there he is fisting away, getting as far into her as
his elbows! Still the woman cries, “I need more. I need more!”
Thinking about it, he decides to use his feet as an alternative!
He takes his shoes and socks off, rolls up his trousers and
starts pumping away. He does this for quite a while, going as
deep as his knees! Finally the woman is satisfied and the man
leaves, after a job well done.
He wakes up the next morning with a disgusting fungal growth on
his knee! Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Amazed, the
doctor says he has “gonorrhoea of the knee!” “How did you get
that?” he asks, “I have never seen this before!”
The man makes his excuses and leaves quickly with his medication.
Limping his way home, the man notices the circus is in town. One
of the tents boosts “Dodgy disease, win $10,000.” The man
enquires and is told that people are invited to show any
disgusting diseases they may have, and the person with the worst
disease win $10,000.
The man shows him his gonorrhoea of the knee. The judge gasps
“This is truly disgusting but you have just missed out. The
prize has been issued”
“Who was is given to?” the man asks enquiringly.
“Oh, this lady came in a short while ago. She had ‘Athlete’s
Cunt.'”
Diary of a Viagra Wife
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6.
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it’s very nice – I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….
Day 11.
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.
Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous …
Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry”, thing again, I’ll kill the *******.
Day 14.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.
Day 15.
I think I’ll have to kill him. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f… himself and he did.
Day 16.
The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference… Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18.
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
El alcalde de una peque�a
El alcalde de una peque�a ciudad se reune un d�a con los directores de escuelas de la ciudad para discutir el asunto de la drogadicci�n en los adolescentes y tratar de poner punto final a este problema.
Al final de la junta quedan en que se reunir�n otra vez en dos meses m�s para ver c�mo ha progresado el proyecto.
Pasaron dos meses:
“Estamos aqu� reunidos para comprobar si hemos logrado reducir la cantidad de adolescentes con problemas de drogadicci�n en nuestra ciudad.” dijo el alcalde, y luego continu� dirigiendose especialmente al rector n�mero 1: “Por favor cuentenos su experiencia.”
“Bueno, en mi liceo hab�an 1000 alumnos de los cuales 150 se drogaban, y ahora hay s�lo 30 que lo hacen.”
“Oh, esos son magn�ficos resultados, por favor expl�quenos como lo hizo” dijo el alcalde.
“Bueno yo dibuj� dos circulos en la pizarra, uno chico y otro grande, luego les dije a mis alumnos: este circulo grande es el cerebro de un alumno que no usa drogas y este circulo peque�o es el cerebro de un alumno drogadicto.”
“Oh que buen m�todo, ahora es su turno director n�mero 2, cu�ntenos su experiencia” dijo el alcalde contento por los resultados obtenidos por el primero.
“En mi liceo son 1500 alumnos de los cuales 300 se drogaban, ahora ya nadie es drogadicto.”
“�Es impresionante!, pues por favor le ruego que me explique como lo hizo, este m�todo hay que globalizarlo” dijo euf�ricamente el alcalde.
“Bueno yo al igual que mi colega dibuj� un circulo chico y uno grande en la pizarra, y despu�s le dije a mis alumnos: este circulo chico es el hoyo del CULO de un alumno que no ha entrado a la carcel por drogadicci�n y este circulo grande es el HOYO del CULO de un alumno que entr� a la carcel por drogadicci�n.”
Oj Simpsons website
Do you know Ojs website?
WWW./////.bitch u aint dead yet.com
Supportive Husband
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My
face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out
a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband
and asks, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”